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Biden Announces Campaign Stops in Kitchen, Garage

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

In a sign of the quickly escalating presidential race, presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden announced his campaign will visit the Biden’s kitchen and garage in the coming days.

“The Biden campaign is on the move!” announced Jen O’Malley, Biden’s campaign manager. “Well, sort of on the move. We’re getting out of the basement, at least, for some of the day,” she bargained with herself.

“Even some traditionally Republican rooms in the Biden residence now seem competitive”

The decision to barnstorm the rooms in his home comes as new polling suggests a hefty Biden lead in every swing room in the household. “Even some traditionally Republican rooms in the Biden residence now seem competitive,” says Pick Quinston, a Biden spokesperson. “If Biden wins the living room, the kitchen, and the hallway, he’s already halfway to 270 electoral votes. We are expecting a landslide in the fall.”

Biden’s newly energized campaign schedule reflects a shifting understanding of the layout of both the campaign and his house. “While Trump is tweeting away, I’m being productive and cleaning up my house,” said Biden as he was replacing the wonky lightbulb in the vanity mirror. He then yelled, “This is a chores-centered campaign, honey!” clearly projecting his voice so that Jill Biden could hear him in the other room.

Biden is scheduling his kitchen visit for around noon, where he plans to sample the local cuisine (a tuna sandwich, or whatever they have in the fridge).


The garage event will feature Biden looking for the phillips head screwdriver before giving up and asking Jill where it may be. “If elected, I promise to submit to Congress plans to declutter the garage space by 2022,” said Biden. “Lots of politicians say they’ll clean up their garage but then never do it. I will get it done this time, I promise.” The Biden campaign did not elaborate on when those plans will be released.

Pandemic or no, this was Biden’s plan all along, advisors say. Still, the Trump campaign has been quick to attack Biden for what they say as too little, too late. “Joe has been in public life for nearly fifty years, and he’s just now pledging to get rid of the boxes in the garage? Jill sees right through his empty promises. We’re going to clean up in November,” said Susan Balloon, a GOP spokeswoman. But the enthusiasm  behind the Democratic nominee cannot be denied. “Biden visited the living room, the porch, and the TV room—all in one day,” Quinston noted. “Sounds like a winning campaign to me.”

At press time, Biden made an emergency campaign stop in the upstairs bathroom. ♦

Artwork by @Ninalikestopaint

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