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How to Convince Them You Have the Regular Number of Toes

By Billy O’Handley | Staff Writer

We all have ten toes, myself included. Obviously. But if you really wanted to convince Them you had ten toes, which, of course, you do, here’s how you’d do it.

1. Refer to your shoes as “Five-Toed Shoes.” Two times five toes is equal to ten toes. Why would you be a thirteen or fourteen toed boy if you have two five-toed shoes? Then you’d just have the wrong shoes.

2. Talk about how you know all the words to “this little piggy went to market.” That is a fun poem for ten-toed children, so if you mention how much you enjoy the poem in every conversation you have with Them, They’ll think you are normal-footed.

3. Make your nickname “Ol’ Regular Foot”

4. Make your nickname “Ol’ Dozen Minus Two Toes”

5. Ask Them what Their favorite of the toes is. As They will probably give a regulation toe, you will be able to say “That’s my favorite too!” not only convincing Them you are alike, but also forming a deep unshakable personal bond.

6. Play footsie, but use regulation feet. They will have no way of knowing the feet are not yours, thus putting you in the clear.

7. Buy a bottle of nail polish, then state “I hope this is enough for all ten of my toes, no more, no less, as if there is more or less I will either run out or have too much.”

8. Use your toes for counting with ten counts. When given a number to count, shout “I’M COUNTING ON MY TOES!” and then when you get to ten, shout “I’VE RUN OUT OF TOES!”

9. Occasionally show Them pieces of your toes, to allay suspicion.

10. Repeatedly mention that humans such as yourself have the same number of fingers and toes. Then show Them your regulation hands, which will lead them to believe that you have regelation feet as well. Trickery!

11. Send Them a joke article about not having the standard amount of toes, then also send Them the message “Haha! Not a persistent problem for me!” ♦

Thank you for reading!
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