Press "Enter" to skip to content

Trump and Biden’s Big Asks

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

June 8, 2020

From: Joe Biden

Subject: Sign Jill’s Birthday Card + New Poll!


Friday is a big day at Team Joe HQ. My wonderful wife Jill turns 70! Show your support now by adding your name to her birthday card. I ask that you also chip in just $5 to our campaign so we have a shot at taking out one of the most dangerous presidents in U.S. history. One dollar out of every five will go towards Jill’s cake. Please take this exclusive poll to determine what kind of giant cake we should get—flourless chocolate or yellowcake? We want your voice to be heard in this campaign, friend.

With your help, Jill and I will celebrate our next four birthdays in the White House while making historic changes to help all Americans.



June 9, 2020

From: Donald Trump

Subject: Celebrate Ivanka’s Half Birthday

Hello Patriot—

In a few short months, my daughter Ivanka Trump will celebrate her half birthday with friends and family. She and I want you to celebrate with her! Will you add your name to Ivanka’s half birthday card? 

The media mob breathlessly attacks my wonderful family and my Administration on a daily basis. Friend, it’s likely that the left-wing FAKE news media will completely ignore this joyous half birthday celebration and find something to get triggered about. Will you take a stand against their hypocrisy by chipping in just $5 so that Ivanka will enjoy four more half birthdays in the White House? Together we will Keep America Great!


Donald Trump

June 10, 2020

From: Joe Biden

Subject: Friend, I need emergency help.


Let me cut to the chase: I have awoken in a London hotel. I have only the clothes on my back, and my Ray Bans. My phone, my wallet, and my passport are all missing.

In my 36 years in the Senate, I worked to pass bipartisan legislation that helped millions of Americans from all backgrounds. Under my leadership, Democrats and Republicans helped build a better America. Now, I am asking you to help me through this difficult time (the hotel has downgraded my room). I would love it if Democrats and Republicans came together and donated just 5$ to help me pay for an overseas collect call—will you join me? Please?

Thank you. Together, we will defeat Donald Trump in November and win back the Senate. But right now, I really need to get back to the states. Jill will be mad at me if I’m not there when she cuts the cake. I also have to sign the giant card.



June 10, 2020

From: Donald Trump

Subject: I am getting very cold, friend.

Hey you,

Once again, the Democrat-run media have lost their minds. While ‘Sleepy’ Joe Biden whines about being ‘trapped’ in an upscale London hotel, I have it much worse. How about this for an emergency:

I am currently marooned on an iceberg. A prop plane I chartered to Team Trump HQ suffered fuel exhaustion over the Atlantic at approximately 0800 hours. I am the only survivor. Luckily, I was able to locate the planes radio and am sending distress calls with further information.

trump iceberg

Can you please chip in 5$ for a rescue operation and turn your HAM radio to 9089kHZ? Pelosi is pushing her socialist agenda, and is threatening to block any emergency responders to come find me. This is an affront to our Constitution! And I am very cold.

With our momentum, we are well on our way to Keeping America Great. Please, send help. And chip in $5 while you’re at it.


Donald Trump ♦

Artwork by @ninalikestopaint

Thank you for reading!
%d bloggers like this: