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Masterclass: We Are Severing Ties with Ghislaine Maxwell

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

To our valued customers:

Masterclass began as a way for everyone to learn from the world’s greatest minds. In pursuit of that goal, our company is making the following three changes to our service:

Firstly, we are severing ties with socialite Ghislaine Maxwell. Although we had a deal in place for her to teach How to Appear in Every Picture, allegations of sex trafficking have led us to rethink our partnership. The other (far bigger) issue was her name, which she described as “non-negotiable.” It was annoying to copy/paste “Ghislaine” every time we needed to use it. That said, she is very, very good at what she does, and we wish her only the best moving forward.

Secondly, and this is important, experts will now only teach what they are experts in. No more Gordon Ramsay teaching accounting, no more RuPaul instructing us on art forgeries, and most definitely no more EDM production with Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Just because they are interested in a topic does not make them qualified to teach it. This should have been obvious to us from the start. Our bad. Similarly, instructors are no longer allowed to simply google “how to do (x)” and read off the search results. Come on, Scorsese. No one is paying for that.

Thirdly, it makes no sense for everyone to have a membership. Let’s be honest; you’re only here to watch five minutes of Gordon Ramsay before you realize that it’s sort of hard to be a pro chef and give up. It would be best for us all to just share one membership, that way you don’t blow 15 bucks. You can use our account, the password is BowlingRockstar99083. No caps, some spaces. There’s a * in there somewhere, we can’t remember where. You have three tries.

Thank you for using Masterclass. Together, we can all pretend to learn. ♦

Thank you for reading!