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I Need to Keep… Testing Fireworks. Yeah, Testing.

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Many have noticed a definitive increase this year in fireworks going off in your neighborhoods well before July Fourth celebrations. All of those fireworks, especially the loud ones around noon, have been me. And I write to inform you that I will continue my firework tirade well through the holiday.

Why, you ask? Uh. Testing. Yes! Testing. You see, I need to keep testing fireworks to see if they work! There’s a lot of things you need to test for safety’s sake, including how loud they are, how awesome and fun the explosions are, and their overall cool-ness. All of these things must be rigorously checked, and double checked. For my… scientific tests, I need to do lots and lots of fireworks. In fact, I have tested so many fireworks that I will soon have to go out and buy more test fireworks, and then buy even more real fireworks, just to be safe. While I’m at it.

Fireworks are a lot of fun, but you have to be safe too, and that means testing many dozens of them.

Some have alleged that I only explode fireworks now because I am an impatient person. This is false! I am very patient with every aspect of my life. Case and point: I wait for my food to be fully cooked and prepared before I eat it, most of the time. Unless it takes too long. Furthermore, I have withheld from testing fireworks at night, because I have to go to bed or I will be too tired in the morning to continue testing fireworks. Fireworks are a lot of fun, but you have to be safe too, and that means testing many dozens of them. If I tested, say, only ten, they could all be flukes.

I have been criticized for my manner in which I test the fireworks. Some claim it is not “conducive to hazard reduction” to down three PBRs, wave the American flag and yell “FREEDOM BABY!” while blindly detonating fireworks. Upon deep reflection, I think they have a point, and I will refrain from manically waving the American flag as it could poke someone in the eye.


These loud firework explosions that disrupt your day have become a nuisance to many, including my family who has locked me out of the house. Unfortunately for them, that just means more time spent in my firework shed (which is offsite), leading to even more fireworks. It is my sincere hope that I will have enough fireworks by the time we get to the Fourth of July, but at this rate we may have to settle for sparklers. As a backup, I have recorded the sounds of firework detonations and will dutifully play them at full blast throughout our nation’s birthday. ♦

Thank you for reading!