By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Thank you for coming out. This is an incredible crowd! I now know what they mean when they say, ‘Iowa is the Heartland of America.’
(applause)
I started this campaign as a bowl of chili. Delicious, hot bowl of beef chili with spaghetti and onions—and some oyster crackers, to be sure.
(laughter)
But with your support, and shredded cheese, we have made this a movement that the political establishment cannot ignore! We are a diverse coalition of spices and herbs that truly represent our country!
(applause)
As a bowl of chili, I have worked hard every day to give the American people a hearty leader—one who is mostly beef, little filler. Oh sure, politicians talk tough, but they’re nothing but a bowl of beans.
(laughter)
Critics say that I’m a meat sauce in chili clothing.
(audience boos)
I say to them—I say to them—would a meat sauce be served with sour cream and chives?
(loud cheers, chants of “CHI-LI, CHI-LI, CHI-LI / Four more bowls!”)
That’s what I thought. I met a poor single mother in Davenport the other day. She works two jobs all the while raising a kid. She said to me: chili is both a convenient and filling dinner option for families on the go!
(applause)
We need more of that energy, that spirit, in our nation. And so I stand before you today as hot and ready as ever to deliver that change, shift the D.C. elite’s paradigm of pizza or hotdogs. The American people say, “more chili, please!” ♦
Artwork by @ninalikestopaint