By Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow | Staff Writers
Shareholders and employees at GeneriCorp rejoiced upon hearing the incredible news that profits are up this quarter once again. “When the boss showed us the amazing graph of our business, I was so excited,” said Jill Saleslady, one of GeneriCorp’s best employees. “I simply had to stand in the center, fanning out hundred-dollar bills alongside my wonderful team members. I love working with such a productive group of attractive and racially representative fellow employees. And sales have never been better!”
I simply had to stand in the center, fanning out hundred-dollar bills alongside my wonderful team members.
The numbers, which insiders report are very good, represent a record profit streak for GeneriCorp. The company has grown by a factor of one thousand percent yearly, announced at annual board meetings with dozens of smiling employees.
Other vague indicators, like “synergy,” “productivity,” and “teamwork” have all increased, each by one “up” arrow as well. Executives attribute the company’s unmitigated success streak to GeneriCorp’s team-building activities. “We have our employees stand in a line for an hour a day smiling, and then have an extended period of just handshaking, and that seems to really increase cohesion,” remarked Jim Corporate, chief innovation officer at GeneriCorp. “Sales have never been better!”
“Sales have never been better!”
All of this success comes despite recent scandals at GeneriCorp. Last month, the company came under fire for continually evading questions on what GeneriCorp actually produces. With growth as high as it is, some have accused GeneriCorp of artificially inflating sales numbers or engaging in illegal business practices.
Suspicions were piqued when the quarterly report only contained ‘$$$!’ under where ‘net revenue’ was supposed to be listed. Seeking to allay investor concerns, GeneriCorp CEO Dan Businessman released a slick PowerPoint presentation that shed unprecedented light into the company. In it, GeneriCorp identified three areas of production: “employee morale,” “profit,” and “cloud technologies.”
“It didn’t really answer any of our broader concerns with the business” admitted Jan Investor, a partner who owns one million shares of GeneriCorp. “But it was a very slick presentation, so it’s okay. And sales have never been better!”
A second and far more damning scandal emerged last month, when an internal audit of the company identified twenty instances of employee misconduct. All had been cited previously for not smiling constantly, having a bad handshake, or not being extremely attractive. GeneriCorp moved quickly, firing all twenty employees and promising to crack down on what it called “a lack of teamwork.”
The future of GeneriCorp is bright. With yet another successful quarter under their belt, the company is looking to upgrade their flagship offices in Anytown, USA. At press time, GeneriCorp has announced that profits had again increased, this time by one thousand percent. “And sales have never been better!” ♦