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Excerpt From Bolton’s Memoir, The Room Where it Happened

By Ari Mostow | Staff Writer

Journalists at The Inquirist have obtained an excerpt from John Bolton’s new tell-all memoir, The Room Where it Happened. The former National Security Advisor’s revelations are nothing short of shocking. Read it below:

“Trump picked up the phone and began to dial the number for Ukraine’s president: 8-2-2… the rest of the digits are confidential, but you get the point. As the phone rang, I contorted the muscles in my face. Swish swoosh, went my bushy mustache – my beautiful, fluffy, white mustache. I breathed in. ‘Mmmmm,’ I thought as the rapid intake of air from my nostrils pulled up the hairs on my upper lip. I could smell the faint trace of cream cheese that had smudged against my lush face follicles from my morning’s breakfast. ‘What a delicious bagel that was,’ I muttered to myself.


‘Hello?’ said President Zelensky. The Ukranian leader was angry, because Trump, refusing to heed my warning about time zones, had disturbed him in the middle of the night. ‘I’d like you to do me a favor,’ Trump began. “Could you please get dirt on Hunter Bid—’ As Trump continued, my thoughts wandered off again. I realized that I had forgotten to comb my mustache before I left for work. How could I forget, I scolded myself. That adorable little mustache comb was just sitting on my dresser at home, waiting to be used. Maybe if I took my lunch break early I’d have time to go get the comb and straighten out these pesky little strands. Proper maintenance of my facial hair was essential. After all, nobody else in the White House had such a perfect lip toupee. Snot mop. Lady tickler, if you will…

My only competition would be Don Jr. He had been growing out a nice beard and stache lately. Definitely more grainy in texture, but nonetheless, I now had a formidable opponent in the West Wing. ‘Don’t worry,’ I thought. ‘He’ll never get that silky, bushy, mouth mane no matter how hard he tries.’ I stroked my mustache, like a James Bond villain stroking a cat. Doing this is very therapeutic, and always calms me down when I’m feeling insecure. It was so smooth that day, too. What a great idea to start using that coconut oil conditioner. Oh yeah, also Donald Trump blackmailed the leader of Ukraine or something like that.

All in all, Trump is a corrupt president, and Colonel Sanders’s mustache doesn’t even compare to mine. Stick to the chicken, bud.” ♦

Thank you for reading!
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