By Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow | Staff Writers
OMAHA— General Mills confirmed Monday that its popular cereal Wheaties, famous for its slogan, “Breakfast of Champions,” has been officially downgraded to “Breakfast of Participants.” On a conference call with investors, GM President Dan Lowens explained that the decision was meant to reflect the cereal’s increasingly pathetic customer base.
“It is a big blow to our image, no doubt,” Lowens admitted. “But, on the other hand, it opens Wheaties up to a massive customer demographic with huge sales potential. Heck, I finally got to try it. It was fine.”
Wheaties, an unexciting mixture of bran and oats, was once a leading cereal amongst champions who appreciated its exclusivity. Known for putting famous athletes on the box, it will now feature pictures of kid’s soccer leagues and former MLB players the sport has long since forgot. “We will certainly be rethinking our recipe,” said Lowens. “Champions need top-quality nutrients to keep their bodies running like fine-tuned machines. Participants can have the cheap stuff.”
Known for putting famous athletes on the box, it will now feature pictures of kid’s soccer leagues and former MLB players the sport has long since forgot.
Removing the “Breakfast of Champions” slogan was a long time coming, cereal insiders reported. Market research showed that only about one percent of Americans were champions, and most of them “ate oatmeal or fruit or something stupid like that,” said an executive familiar with the numbers. Over 80 percent of the country—a vast majority—are merely participants at best, and now they can enjoy a bowl of Wheaties anytime. The rest, around 19 percent of Americans, don’t want to play sports at all for fear that they might sweat too much. “And those people remain very happy with Lucky Charms,” noted Lowens.
General Mills will correspondingly end their strict regimen of ensuring only champions bought the cereal, which the company claimed was too costly to continue. Shoppers breathed a sigh of relief knowing that they no longer have to bring a trophy to the supermarket to prove their worthiness to buy cereal. While champions remain eligible to eat Wheaties (champions are, by definition, participants) this move will likely force the last few champions to transition to eating oatmeal, fruit, or something stupid like that.
At press time, Wheaties had been downgraded once again to “the breakfast of whoever wants it.” ♦