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Supreme Court Promises This a One-off Thing

By Nate Odenkirk and Billy O’Handley | Staff Writers

On Monday, the Supreme Court delivered a shocking victory to progressives when it ruled 6-3 that workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation violated the Civil Rights Act. “But don’t get too used to this kind of thing from us,” Justice Neil Gorsuch warned in the majority opinion. “This is a one-off ruling. In constitutional parlance, it’s a ‘freebie.’”

trans rights supreme court

With a decidedly 5-4 conservative tilt, the Supreme Court has in recent memory delivered scores of disappointing and regressive rulings. From campaign finance to gerrymandering, a slim 5-justice majority has halted any chance of reform. “And after this, we go back to doing what we do best,” assured Chief Justice John Roberts with a smile. “Let me be very, very clear: I am not one of the ‘cool’ justices, not now and not ever,” Justice Gorsuch wrote in an opinion joined by five of his colleagues. “My face won’t be on a t-shirt anytime soon.”

My face won’t be on a t-shirt anytime soon.

The national outrage from the killing of George Floyd and the extensive damage of the coronavirus had pressured the court into giving the American people just a little hope. “We are living through unique times. The disease and racial unrest are doing our job for us, so we thought it appropriate to give back for once, emphasis on the once,” read the majority opinion. “This is our good deed for the year—the next five years.” He urged progressives to celebrate this one, because this will be it “for a while.”

If just two more justices joined us, we would break the record for longest streak of terrible Supreme Court decisions.

The three conservative justices acknowledged the logic at the heart of the ruling but expressed misgivings with the timing. “If just two more justices joined us, we would break the record for longest streak of terrible Supreme Court decisions. We were on a roll, I’m talking Joe DiMaggio levels, and the Court has sadly underperformed,” noted Justice Brett Kavanaugh in his dissent. “I just hope we can continue our otherwise stellar track record of bad faith decisions. We’re really going to have to make up for this.” Now that homosexuals and transgender employees cannot be fired on the basis of their sexual orientation, Kavanaugh warned, the Court will have to find another way to ruin their lives. “I say to Americans of all stripes: despite this ruling the Supreme Court remains as committed as ever to be on the wrong side of history,” the dissent concluded.

At press time, Justice Gorsuch reportedly stated that “Everything has a price!” before cackling and disappearing into a cloud of smoke. ♦

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