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Seven Dead in Really Interesting Murder

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Tragedy struck the small town of Bend, Oregon this week after seven residents were all found murdered in the most fascinating way. “This is a horrible, heartbreaking incident that has shattered and captivated our community,” said Sheriff Spring, the lead investigator on the case. “I can’t wait to see what happens next.”

As if seven victims wasn’t already enough for you, they all took place at a church, with one of the bodies found at the altar. “And that opens up a whole other can of worms,” said an excited Sheriff Spring. “The perpetrator could have had other weird beliefs we can ogle at.” The Bend Police Department through Penguin Publishing released a 400-page ‘summary’ of the killing ($29.95 signed ed.), complete with diagrams, mugshots, wild speculation, and invasive details on each of the seven victims. It debuted at number 6 on the New York Times Bestseller List.

At this time, details on the victims are scarce. All we know is that three of the victims were having an affair, one of them had been committing wire fraud, one was tangentially involved in an international drug cartel, and two had prior felony convictions. “I am at a complete loss for words” said Richard Fabian, a parent of two of the deceased. “You see these terrible things happening on TV and you think ‘something that interesting could never happen to my family’ and yet, here we are. Wow!” The police likely know more but are releasing information to the public in a slow drip to keep everyone on their toes. “We’re not gonna tell you everything at once, that would spoil it,” said Sheriff Spring. His office confirmed that they are currently consulting CSI: Miami producers regarding how to best tell the story. “I’m glad they’re turning to the experts for this one,” said Fabian. “It is too bad my son died in the incident. I miss him every day. He loved murder shows, he would totally have been into this,” said Fabian in his moving eulogy at the funeral.

It is too bad my son died in the incident. I miss him every day. He loved murder shows, he would totally have been into this.

The best “part,” many are saying, is the lack of physical evidence. Despite the violent nature of their deaths, only one leather glove and a small piece of fabric have been collected at the scene of the crime. Two bullets have also been found near the crime scene, but forensic analysis revealed they must have come from two different guns. Oh boy!

Police have vowed to find the killer (or killers!) who committed this heinous act. “We will stop at nothing to get the answers, like, why was there just a piece of fabric? How were only two bullets found at the scene if there were seven dead? … and get justice for the victims. That too,” noted the Sheriff’s office in a statement. “Bottom line, there is a killer walking amongst us. They are a huge, intriguing threat to our community. If you have information: eyewitness accounts, alibis, or plot twists of any kind, please contact the sheriff at his personal cell.”

At press time, the FBI has dispatched three of its most seasoned podcasters to drum up a ten-episode limited series run on the case. ♦

Thank you for reading!
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