By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
LOS ALAMOS— The Frito Lay Corporation released a press statement today issuing an order to remove a statue that some believe promoted white supremacy. “All of the flavors of our chips— Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch, and the other one—all stand united against hatred,” said the statement. “As such, we are removing the 110-foot tall statue of Robert E. Lee outside our building as soon as possible.”
Rocked by recent events of disturbing police brutality, calls for municipalities and state governments to remove Confederate statues has re-ignited. “This is a great day for justice,” said Michael Kerik, vice president of the N.A.A.C.P. as he was digging into a bag of spicy nacho cheese chips. “This was a big deal, and we’re almost finished!” he said as he funneled the last few chips into his mouth with the bag. “Almost finished with the bag of chips, not dismantling institutional racism. Sorry. I should have been clearer.”
The consequences of this move, if there any at all, remain an open question. “There is a small but vocal demographic that believes these statues are celebrating a legitimate heritage,” said marketing expert Ryan Jailey as he tore into a bag of Cool Ranch. “But Doritos are so good I think people will put aside their political misgivings. Jesus Christ, these are so good,” he said, using an expletive. “What are they going to eat instead? When they realize Sun Chips are their only alternative, even the most fervent racists will throw in the towel.”
When they realize Sun Chips are their only alternative, even the most fervent racists will throw in the towel.
Robert E. Lee, the leader of the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia, quickly became a martyr for the “Lost Cause” after his death in 1879. That said, his connection with Dorito’s—indeed, with flavored corn chips at all—is extremely unclear. It’s anyone’s guess, really. The statue was commissioned in 1965 at the height of racial tensions over segregation, a decision that Doritos now says it regrets. “We believed we were honoring history, but now we know that it stands for prejudice, and that helps no one” they wrote forcefully. The statement concluded with the company’s slogan: “After you eat a bag of Doritos, you’re supposed to hate yourself, not other races.”
This comes after the M&M’s factory agreed to dismantle its even larger 120-foot monument to Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.♦
Artwork by @ninalikestopaint