By Nathan Mostow | Staff Writer
The national rioting, economic depression, and pandemic came to an abrupt, welcome end this morning as President Trump revealed that it was all just a big prank to freak out his 2020 reelection campaign manager, Brad Parscale.
“You should have seen the look on [Parscale’s] face when I tweeted that thing about shooting the protestors,” laughed a cordial, relaxed Trump in a surprise press conference. Announcing that the “fun and games are over,” the president unveiled sweeping police reforms and a coronavirus vaccine that had been sitting in the Oval Office vault since January.
After shaking hands with Parscale, Trump playfully chastised the American people for not catching on sooner. “Nobody can recognize a joke anymore,” the president complained. “It’s not just Brad — I’ve heard that millions of people are actually drinking bleach now because of that thing I tweeted. Have they never heard of sarcasm?”
While the president acknowledged that most of the policies, public statements, cabinet appointments, and federal judge nominations during his administration were done “in jest,” he maintained that Eric was an earnest, albeit misguided attempt at raising a son. ♦