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Trump Announces Plan to Hold Two Bibles at Once

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

The Trump Administration made the shocking announcement today that President Trump will hold two bibles at one time. “Mind you, that’s twice his personal record,” said Kayleigh McEnaney, Trump’s personal press secretary. “I can assure the American people: he has been practicing for hours with a dumbbell and he’s getting really good at it. That’s something the news media won’t show you.”

Trump bible

The response to Monday’s stunt, where the president held up a single bible, was extraordinary. The scores of protests around America quelled immediately, and thousands of demonstrators joined hands with police officers in a rousing rendition of “Kumbaya.” So, naturally, the Administration immediately discussed what the next steps would be. “It was obvious: double it up!” said someone with knowledge of the secret talks. “This is what the country needs right now, someone who will unite the country. What is a better show of strength than hoisting two of the ‘good book’ high above your head?” The Trump Administration is currently embarking on a mission to find a second bible to use. That, officials tell The Inquirist, is the largest obstacle to the plan so far.

Voters, upon hearing the news, were thrilled.

Roiled by protests against police brutality, a crashing economy, and a deadly pandemic, Americans needed someone to hold up a bible more than ever before. Voters, upon hearing the news, were thrilled. “I’ve never heard of anyone holding a single bible up as high as Trump did, let alone two!” said a Pennsylvania voter. “I’m not yet sure if I’ll vote for Trump. But he is giving me a lot to think about. Can Biden do that?” On twitter, the president cryptically hinted at his intentions, tweeting:

tweet bible

Democrats were quick to throw cold water on the hype. “All we hear from this administration are nonstop lies and deflections,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “The American people will be watching you, Mr. President. They will hold your feet to the fire if you do not deliver.” Senator Schumer then chastised the president for not inviting him to also hold up a bible. “If we’re going to do this, Mr. President, please let me bring my bible too. We can have a lift-off.”

It was not immediately clear if Trump will hold two bibles in one hand, or one in each. ♦

Thank you for reading!