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Police Chief Resigns Over Upcoming Police Brutality Incident

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

INDIANNAPOLIS— Doug Mayhews, Indianapolis’ Chief of Police, announced his resignation in light of a racially-charged case of brutality that has not yet happened. Mayhews, who is white, explained his decision to step down in pre-disgrace because now “seemed like the right time.” “In light of what will in all likelihood will occur in the next few weeks, I am taking a permanent leave of absence from my post. The incident—which has not yet happened—was absolutely unacceptable and has no place in America.”

“This incident that will happen in our city is without precedent,” said Mr. Mayhews. “Except for all the other times.”

The racially charged incident will happen at what seems like a breaking point between communities of color and the largely white police force. Just a few days ago, the Minneapolis PD came under intense fire for the brutal killing of George Floyd, an unarmed black man, at the hand of a white officer. “This incident that will happen in our city is without precedent,” said Mr. Mayhews. “Except for all the other times.” While the event will likely be recorded by numerous video cameras, nearby surveillance, and body cameras, the city will be taking steps to conceal the footage “to preserve a shred of plausible deniability, and hopefully bury the issue” announced the police department. “In fact, it’s entirely possible that it has already happened and we’re sitting on the footage for as long as we can.” The identity of the white officers has not been released in this case. “That is for two reasons,” Mr. Mayhews explained. “Firstly, we have to be fair to the officers, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Secondly, the events haven’t taken place. But really it’s the first thing.”

Mr. Mayhew’s successor, Doug Lands (who is also white) was quick to condemn the forthcoming attack but stopped short of promising the officers involved will face criminal charges. “What will happen is a very tragic incident, no doubt, but our department is going to take these deliberations slowly, and we’re keeping all options on the table.” When asked whether the resignation of Mr. Mayhews will prevent the incident of police brutality, Mr. Lands responded by saying that no one should be under any illusion that these events will suddenly stop happening just because one person leaves the force. “In fact, I am resigning tomorrow,” said Mr. Lands, “and that won’t change a thing.”

The Indianapolis PD has declined to comment on the other police brutality incident they have scheduled for next week. ♦

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