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SpaceX Astronauts Beg to Not Return to Earth

By Ari Mostow | Staff Writer

Hours after today’s successful liftoff of SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket, astronauts Doug Hurley and Bob Behnken reported to NASA headquarters that they “really don’t want to come back soon.”

While the original plan was to reach the space station, orbit the planet, and return back in 110 days, the astronauts are now asking for at least a full year. Or at least until November, so one of the astronauts (who wishes to remain anonymous) can get out of attending his daughter’s cello recital.

“We’ve been watching CNN lately, and after seeing how shitty things are, we figured what’s the big hurry? We have this beautiful golden get out of jail free card—space. And you think we’re gonna just give this up?” Behnken said over satellite communication. “We’re not having a great time up here, but we would still rather be in space, please.” Sources report that both astronauts have been really thrilled lately with the lack of coronavirus, racism, and economic crises on board the space shuttle. “We have none of the problems that we left behind on Earth,” Hurley said. “Except for the farting. Turns out, you can still smell it through the space suit, and I’ve been begging Bob to stop.”

“I’ve only been in space for a few hours, and looking down on Earth, I can finally see clearly how much it absolutely sucks,” Behnken told reporters over dispatch. “And P.S., I’m not the one who keeps farting. I don’t know how Doug thinks he can pin it on me, given that there are only two of us in here.”

Unfortunately, problems still remain with the astronaut’s request: SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said in a response statement that there is not enough fuel to prolong the mission, and also that he wants the astronauts to land the rocket as soon as possible so that he can “have a turn.” ♦

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