By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
WILMINGTON—In a virtual press announcement, Joe Biden officially apologized for disparaging remarks he had made towards poor indentured land workers in the latter half of the 1600s. In a secret recording taken at a private knighting ceremony with elite landowners, Biden can clearly be heard saying “I have yet to see a parish with a singular peasant or vassal that has not taken to drink.” He went on to say that poorer serfs “need but a mirror to find who is to blame for their servitude.”
“Look, it was the Middle Ages, it was a different time, I shouldn’t have said what I said,” said Biden. “I apologize to any serfs, indentured servants, or vassals who were offended by my comments.” The remark in question dates back to 1672, when Joe Biden was a newly elected senator from Delaware, back then a dense swamp.
The revelation follows a long string of controversial comments by Joe Biden that have been unearthed during the campaign. “This is what happens when you nominate someone who’s been in politics for over 400 years,” noted Daniel S. Clyburn, Political Science professor at Duke. “Comments that may have been acceptable at, say, a crowning in Sir Damien’s castle are just out of step with today’s mainstream.”
Advocacy groups put Joe Biden on full blast for the comments. “How darest he, that man of filth, speak so lowly of our plowmen?” said Ulric The Weary, chief piper for Peasants International. After initially endorsing Bernie Sanders, they reluctantly threw their weight behind Biden after the Wisconsin primary. Biden had recently angered Peasants International for calling their demand for increased grain provisions and more oxen as “a socialist pipe dream.” Instead, Biden insists on accommodating both the wealthy landowner class and the church.
The Biden campaign has worked to highlight his efforts on behalf of the poorer fiefdoms.
Now in full damage control, the Biden campaign has worked to highlight his efforts on behalf of the poorer fiefdoms. “From the Renaissance Era and beyond, Joe has always stood up for the ordinary indentured servant because he identifies with the middle- and lower-class peasantry,” said Peter Fine, a spokesperson for the Biden camp. “Who was it that stood up to the land barons in the price riots of 1702? Joe Biden. Joe literally wrote the legislation to proclaim bread prices ‘shalt na’er exceed two pence.’ And the Violence Against Women Act, for that matter. He’s proud of his centuries-old record.”
The Trump campaign has seized upon this latest controversy, painting Biden as an elite landlord who has no empathy for the average American serf. Trump, himself a medieval court jester, has also expressed disdain for much of the progress that has taken place, especially in the last three hundred years. Their latest ad highlights Biden’s opposition to the Magna Carta when it was brought forth, calling it “too radical,” a position he later reversed in 2015. “Bottom line,” said Professor Clyburn, “Biden has to begin appealing to voters born after 1800, a demographic that is becoming more and more critical for the Democratic Party. Otherwise, he’s doing great.” ♦
Artwork by @ninalikestopaint