By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
This Memorial Day, the army released a touching tribute entitled “Thanking our Weaklings: Sissies in the Line of Fire,” highlighting the many contributions from those brave enough to fight, but still “not man enough to be useful.” “For too long, America has neglected the millions of wussies who can’t even drop and give ten pushups,” said Lieutenant Colonel Frank Lone. “My family has proudly served in the military for five generations, three of those as weak maggots who apparently think the army is some sorta summer camp where they can just prance around,” he said. “We need to thank them too, and acknowlege their service to this country.”
“These panzies have populated all branches of the military, at all times”
“There’s a common misconception that ‘wusses’ only existed in the army, and that’s just not true,” said Janice Milt, a military historian. “In fact, these panzies have populated all branches of the military, at all times” adding, “scared little babies too chicken to pull the trigger are everywhere, goddamnit. Especially since those hippies.”
Over the army’s storied history, tales of heroism from these pathetic weaklings are few and far between by nature. In 1944, at the height of battle in the Pacific Theatre, class A knucklehead Gary Putz, a naval private, was dispatched to liberate Iwo Jima. The famous photograph Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima captured six brave marines planting the American flag as they heroically took the island. Private Putz was not one of the six men; instead, he was about three hundred yards away, frantically running from the sounds of gunshots. He then jumped into some bushes and hid there like a little sissy for three days. For Putz’s actions, he was awarded the “Namby-Pamby Medal” by his unit, and given an honorable kick in the ass.
These scaredey-cats have greatly helped the American war effort off the battlefield, too. On bases, these wimps are prime fodder for commanding officers in war movies to shout at, denigrate, and generally swat around. “Without these weak maggots, the field sergeant is just a strict public servant,” said Lt. Col. Lone. “And there’s no fun in that.” The military released a short but complete list of things total cowards do on a daily basis to serve our country:
- Crying/ mope around
- Slowing everyone down, goddamnit
- Take up space
- Act all stupid
- Apparently forget they’re in a goddamn war and mommy’s not here to cuddle them
- Be pathetic good-for-nothings, Jesus H. Christ
- Write letters… they’re always writing letters or reading for fuck’s sake
- Chase butterflies
So this year, when you see a veteran who’s been a complete wimp, be sure to thank them for their service. “And give ‘em a hard time for me, rough ‘em up a little” said the Lieutenant Colonel, laughing. ♦
The Inquirist salutes America’s bravest weaklings!