By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
LOST: BABY BOY
Beloved SMALL CHILD lost around 10am. Last seen in time out. Answers to “Richard,” sort of. When spotted, try to apprehend quickly as he is a crawler and can get away quickly. Likes naps and breastmilk. Looks like baby. Please call ASAP so he can return to time out and complete his sentence. No cash reward.
LOST: BAG OF TRASH
Friendly BAG OF TRASH left on side of road at 2pm. Owner of bag of trash went inside house to collect more trash, and came out to find someone had stolen his bag of trash. Bag of trash contains rice, sludge, chicken tenders, and five thousand dollars cash. Dump truck recently spotted in area, could be a cabal of trash thieves. If found, you may keep the cash. Owner just wants sludge back.
FOUND: DOLLAR BILL
Great DOLLAR BILL given as change at local supermarket. If you feel you may have lost this dollar bill in a bad trade come and collect your lost dollar bill. Price: 1$ FIRM.
LOST: A YEAR OF LIFE
Promising 365 DAYS lost to looking for treasure. No treasure was found despite being pretty certain something would come up. If you have 365 days or a treasure map from a reputable ghost, please contact owner. No fakes!
LOST: STRING BEAN
Adorable STRING BEAN, green, last seen at the Levinson’s dinner table on little Gary’s plate. Gary rejected the string bean, opting for the incoming “plane” of carrot bits. During touchdown, string bean seemingly vanished with little trace. Chances are good it may have been eaten by a different Levinson, or their dog Gandalf. If found contact the local police precinct. We miss you Stringy!
LOST: ICE CUBE
Endearing ICE CUBE last spotted in tall glass of soda on the porch. May have run away to Mexico or became a camp counselor at a summer coding camp, or something else. Answers to “Can I have some ice?” Cash reward and sip of rapidly warming soda offered.
FOUND: MURDERER’S LEATHER JACKET
Attractive LEATHER JACKET belonging to a murderer or felon found at police station. If you are a murderer who has lost his or her leather jacket this may be yours. Come down to the station and take a look. While you’re here be sure to ask about our Miranda Rights, also available. ♦
Artwork by Aidan Stadler (@aidanstadler)