By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control (known to friends as ‘CDC’) released a triumphant statement last night claiming it had finally found a cure for lab rats, should any of them become sick with COVID-19. “This is a huge development, and it has massive implications for at-risk lab rats in our communities everywhere,” said Dr. Stan Mahanahan, a lead researcher on the lab rat task force. “We did initially endeavor to find a cure for humans, but sort of got wrapped up in saving the lab rats. We really bonded with them over the trial period.” When asked whether a cure for humans was coming, Dr. Mahanahan said it was for sure “on the to-do list” but that his team is no longer willing to use lab rats as test subjects which will surely hamper the process.
Let me be very clear: this, in no way, helps humans. But it sure helps rats!
“Let me be very clear: this, in no way, helps humans. But it sure helps rats!” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the Institute for Infective Diseases and proud owner of “Rattatoulie,” a plump 7-year old male rat. “If you like humans, this is a nondevelopment. Because so many resources were devoted to finding a cure for the rats, we’re still very far away from a human vaccine. It may never come,” he noted frankly. “And hey, if we don’t get one, we don’t get one. A human COVID-19 vaccine would be a cherry on top, the cake of course being the vaccine for rats. Do you like the name ‘Rattatoulie?’ I think it’s hilarious. You know, it’s just like from the movie.” When asked if he had a rat controlling his every movement, much like the adorable rat in the film Rattatoulie, Dr. Fauci declined to comment.
Have you ever tried going through a maze yourself? It sucks.
Rat advocacy groups have applauded the finding. “It was touch and go there for a little while,” said Amy Lowens, spokesperson for Blue Cross Rat Shield International. “We were really worried that us humans would suck up all the oxygen, despite the potential for other animals to suffer, like our precious lab rats.” The social distancing guidelines, put in place for humans only, do not apply for rats. “But they could be, at any time. And we believe that would be extremely devastating for morale, these rats are real pals” Lowens noted. “Without friends, things like the exercise wheel and mazes are less fun. Have you ever tried going through a maze yourself? It sucks,” she opined. The rats could not be reached for comment because, well, they’re rats, but we have no reason to doubt this sound analysis.
The next steps are clear. “To administer the vaccine, we have to put it in a maze and let the rat find it itself. That’s how we do things over here, and they’re used to it” remarked Dr. Mahanahan. “Then it’s on to the real COVID-19 challenge: mice and other rodents of that nature. Dr. Mahanahan is personally pushing a vaccine for dogs, specifically “Muffins,” his 9-year old Golden Retriever. “I know that the disease can’t technically spread to pets, or even rats,” he concedes. “But science is all about being extra, extra careful and forward-thinking. We cannot be distracted!” At press time, the entire CDC staff had rewatched BBC Earth and are now furiously developing a cure for elephants, giraffes, and ibexes. ♦