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Pope: I’m Rereading Dianetics. And You Should Too.

By Pope Francis | Guest Writer

Pope Francis is one of the last few surviving popes. He sublets a palace in Vatican City.

The Coronavirus pandemic has given all of us a chance to reflect, pray, and be in touch with our God. Since locking myself in the Holy Tabernacle/Panic Room, I have had access to a copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics a friend gave me back in the 1990s. What I have gained from a fresh read of it is immense, and I plan on rereading it over and over again to meditate on every word.

When I was first given the manuscript, I was a deeply devout Catholic (if you can believe it!) I gave it a once-over just as a favor to the friend and then tossed it in the Holy Tabernacle. I had completely forgotten about its teachings for the most part. Occasionally when driving in my mobile I’d happen across one of those Dianetics billboards, but I was otherwise focused on the religion stuff. That is, until my time in solitude forced me to go through my library and Dianetics was laying right there, above the shelf with the holy bible.

Reading through Dianetics once more has been an eye-opening, almost religious experience. Elron (as I call him) really gets to the core of our mortal being and asks the eternal question – what else is out there? A lot, actually. Aliens feature prominently which is great because I’m a real sci-fi freak, and his treatise on computers in ancient history really made sense to me. I’ve always thought it was impossible for computers to not have existed in Jesus’ time.


The question persists, though: why re-read it? Why not split your time between Dianetics and The Bible? The Bible’s great, don’t get me wrong. It’s filled with fantastical stories and delightful personas, a real piece of work. But Dianetics is a treatise to how you can live your life, practically, right now. After every new read, there’s something I pick up that I completely missed. The Bible doesn’t come close to that. At most, it’s a great book for when your flight is delayed or waiting for a doctors appointment, which is why I always carry it around wherever I go. Dianetics needs to be read in a quiet, meditative place so you can really absorb the words on the page.

The book is now all marked up with notes and scribbles. My only problem is that I have no room left the margins for more notes! And I need a new highlighter too, mine’s run out. I highly recommend this book and implore you to get a copy. But you can’t have mine, because I’ll be reading it a lot!

I just want something other than the church going on in my life.

At the end of the day, I’m still a Catholic. I will do my duty as a shepherd to the one billion faithful. I’m fully committed to this job (I just found out I’m stuck for life, there’s no getting out of it). But the position I’m in, as “The Pope,” leaves no room for advancement and is sparse in professional networking opportunities. Dianetics may just be the thing I need to jumpstart a new career. I just want something other than the church going on in my life.

The teachings of Jesus C. will always guide my moral compass, no matter what time-era simulation we’re bound to. When this is all over, and as soon as I figure out how to break open this tabernacle, I’ll be holding mass as usual. But you can bet that as soon as it’s over I’m mobile-ing down to the Dianetics Center in Rome for an e-meter test. It’s free, and there’s no commitment, I’m told. I hope you’ll join me. ♦

Nate Odenkirk failed his e-meter test.

Thank you for reading!