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Trump: How to Ride a Bike

By Donald J. Trump | Guest Writer

Donald J. Trump is the 45th president.

Okay, how’re we going to do this. I can tell you how to ride a bike, riding a bike is a great thing, you know, exercise, first of all. Lots of exercise. Great—really, tremendous—exercise. I don’t personally ride a bike but I know… I’ve worked with… Actually, if you think about it, I probably do ride bikes, especially after what’s been happening lately, with the news. So you have the bike, a big bike, two wheels, red. It can be other colors, it doesn’t have to be red, but I like a red bike. That’s just my opinion. We love a red bike, don’t we, folks? Just like the boy with the red balloon, the boy and his red balloon, yeah, people remember that movie, so easily. I’m not the boy, I just heard of it.

And the seat, and you sit… People tell me that you have to sit on top of the seat, and I know that we’re working very hard on getting the American people a seat that works for them. That they can sit on. Because so many folks think that everyone can ride a bike but guess what? Lots and lots of people can’t. They just don’t. But it’s so easy, the media’s saying it’s hard but how hard can it be folks? It’s two wheels. Cars are four. And, you know, two is less than four, we know this, right? Do we know this? I think we do. So it’s gotta be a walk in the park, I didn’t invent the saying “walk in the park,” but now that I say it, it’s really true, you know. And so. We have to.

It’s a little thing called pedals—ever heard of it?

After you sit on the bike, you have to use “pedals.” We use pedals here. It’s a little thing called pedals—ever heard of it? I have, and so has she. Look at her, she knows… hi, yes, she knows. And one hand on the breaks. We go fast or go… not so fast. It’s totally up to you. And the brake will help you decide how to go tremendously fast, like a rocket, not actually like a rocket, but you know. Like a rocket.

Doing great. Remember the penny-farthing? Massive wheel, folks, one of the biggest I’ve ever seen, it might be THE biggest, nobody knows, but it’s great that we’re not using it or we’d have some problems. No, this is a regular, just a regular bike. Did we say red? Orange. I said orange bike—no, excuse me, excuse me, it’s an orange bike. It’s very simple, all you do now is just… you just, get going and you’re gone. You’re off, going beautifully. Don’t fall, either.

Sorry you fell. That shouldn’t’ve happened and I can tell you now we’re looking into it. We’re gonna be looking into it a lot, but we don’t want that to happen to anyone else, ever. It’s a disgrace and honestly? I wouldn’t even think of riding a bike. Can you picture me, Trump, on a bike? C’mon. I don’t think so, folks. Ask Mike, he’ll say no. He’s great. ♦


Nate Odenkirk cannot ride a bike.

Thank you for reading!
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