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Nation to Phase Out Delaware

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Top government officials confirmed today a plan to phase out the State of Delaware in the coming months. “It’s our oldest state, and we like to migrate residents to newer states when possible,” said Jim Kearny, head of the United States Department of States. “By September, there’s gonna be a big hole where Delaware is on the map today, wherever it is,” he said.

Delaware, America’s first run at a state, gained its independence in 1787. With just under one million residents, Delaware has simply become too expensive to maintain for what it does, whatever that is. “Back in the day, Delaware was a huge achievement. But when compared to other states we have now, there’s nothing really there. It had a great run. Well, a good run. A good walk, maybe,” Kearny reasoned.

Using historical documents and guesses, scientists have pinpointed Delaware’s approximate location on a map.

When told that the State of Delaware would cease to exist soon, the vast majority of Americans were shocked to hear that Delaware still existed. Some Americans were dismayed to hear that historical landmarks like the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and Bunker Hill would be destroyed but lightened up when they realized that none of those are in Delaware.

Even those in Delaware have come to understand their state’s shortcomings. “Look, I get it,” said Jay Carney, the current governor of the state we’re talking about. “When I got this job, I was excited to finally put uh… whatshisface… Delaware ‘on the map,’ so to speak. We tried maple syrup, but Vermont sued us. I was really hoping we could do maple syrup. I would have loved to be the governor of the ‘Maple Syrup State.’ That was my big idea and now it’s just shot down,” he said wistfully.

I would have loved to be the governor of the ‘Maple Syrup State.’

In a last-ditch effort to gain notoriety, well-meaning residents pushed to make Delaware the “Corn State,” only to find out that Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa are already fighting for that coveted title. Delaware is now known as “The Rake State,” for their historic yard rake warehouses, amongst the largest collection of rakes in the northeast region. Accordingly, tourism has been slow to nonexistent. “No one wants to visit the third largest rake exhibit and see the seventh largest rake in North America,” said Lenny Parkin of the Delaware Tourism Board. “It’s just a slightly bigger rake than the regular ones. I wish we knew that before spending the 40 million.” Delaware is currently embroiled in a lawsuit with Connecticut, which also claims to be “The Rake State,” but with much better credentials.

rakeIn a few months, federal contractors will come in to bulldoze the small state and begin to assist with moving residents. In its place, The United States Department of States is installing a commemorative plaque of some sort, with the wording and details of the plaque to be determined later. “Right now, we’re focused on getting these people out at any cost,” said Kearny. The United States Department of States is offering all 973,000 Delaware resident a chance to live in one of the more exciting states like Maine, or even North Dakota. “We’re also giving everyone a miniature party hat, in the hopes that they make the state they move to a little more fun, so that everybody wins,” said Kearny. “With this problem out of the way, the United States Department of States can focus on bigger issues, like Mississippi or Alabama. They know what they did.” ♦

Artwork by @ninalikestopaint

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