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Prayer Submission Guidelines

By God | Guest Writer

Lately, I have been inundated with billions of prayer requests on a daily basis. I used to answer every prayer back in biblical times, but that was thousands of years ago when there were only a few million people on Earth. Now there are seven billion of you fuckers, and I don’t have time to get to everyone unless you respect the following guidelines:


Listen, unless it’s REALLY essential, keep it to yourself. People come to me with real problems, like cancer and whatnot, but I can’t hear them over the giant pile of mundane bullshit prayers. Most of you pray only in matters of life and death — I’m really addressing this to a handful of “repeat offenders” who send me dozens of prayers a day, each more obnoxious than the last.

Patrick F. from Topeka, KS: You don’t need to repent for every god damn thing you ever do (I’m the only one allowed to say “god damn,” by the way). Whole Foods won’t go bankrupt because you took a few extra cheese cubes at the free sample station. Keep the repentance lines open for real sinners.

Cindy L. from Naples, FL: No, I’m not going to just randomly give you a million bucks. If I did that, then your neighbors would start praying for a million bucks, and it would create more work for me.

Gregory P. From Dallas, TX: Fuck your stupid little league games. You should’ve noticed by now that you suck at baseball. Maybe if you had the discipline to lay off a fucking slider every now and then, you wouldn’t need me to hold your hand through every at-bat. Besides, what am I supposed to do when you AND the opposing pitcher are both praying to me? It’s a major headache. Also, stop addressing your prayers to Jesus. He just forwards them to me, anyway.

On the other hand, you should also keep your prayers at least somewhat plausible. Even for miracle workers, there’s a line. You can’t all marry Gal Gadot.



Like I said, there are seven billion of you fuckers, and most of you eat three meals every day. If I have to bless all of those meals, that’s 21 billion blessings every day just on food. So unless you’re eating something particularly wonky, like chicken that you left in the fridge past its expiration date, or… I don’t know… a fucking BAT — stop saying grace before meals.


You all know the deal. You go to church, follow my rules, and I answer your prayers. So if you don’t do any of that stuff, don’t bother praying to me, seriously. You KNOW I’m going to ignore your prayer if it’s sandwiched between a misogynistic Reddit post and a masturbation session on the futon in your parents’ basement, so why waste both of our time?

There’s a lot more I could say, but I’ll stop here because I have very little faith in you guys. These three rules should help a lot though. Maybe I’ll finally have time now to deal with this coronavirus situation.

Me damn it. ♦

Nathan Mostow was told to stop repenting for publishing this article.

Thank you for reading!
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