By The Devil | Guest Writer
Running the good ‘ol h-e-double hockey sticks (as we call it down here) is a pretty demanding job. And we’re always in the market for new, original punishments for the damned. But, I somehow find a little bit of free time in my busy work schedule. A recent hobby of mine has been writing to the fine people at British Petroleum, where I compliment them on their success and suggest good places to dig for oil that they might’ve missed. As the devil, I have pretty good insight on what’s under the soil. Call it a guesstimate, call it a huncherino, but I gotta give myself credit: most of my calls have been spot-on. So, in the interest of transparency, I thought I’d publish this list of my latest “hot spots to dig,” so that those smaller energy extraction ops can benefit from my unique point of view, too. Call it charity, inside info, the low-down, I’m happy to help.
I hope you enjoy the list—and hey, keep sinnin’!
- Off the coast of Louisiana
I know what you’re thinking. This one’s obvious…but, also, Lucy, but wasn’t there already a massive oil spill back in 2010 or something? Yes, haha, there totally was. “Deepwater” they called it, I called it “whoopsy daisy!” But for some insane reason, you people have avoided drilling there since that li’l pickle. Come on, you crazy bastards – get back on the horsey! My spidey-sense is telling me that those protected marshlands have a lot more spilling to do. Thanks to climate change those marshlands are eroding rapidly, so now’s our chance! If you forced me to give up specifics, I’d say 25 miles southwest of Stank’s BBQ + Ribhouse is where to start the dig. While you’re there, be sure to get a double-fried pepper steak. And say hi to Stank for me!
I was so happy when North Dakota began fracking.
- South Dakota
I was so happy when North Dakota began fracking. I called their governor to personally congratulate them on their A+ decision. Now they’re rolling in bank! But, I can’t say the same for their neighbor to the south. What gives? I am 99% sure I left some oil there a couple thousand years ago, and it is right beneath the surface. We’re talkin’, little Timmy’s “constwuction site” deep… that’s right, a kiddo with a plastic trowel in the backyard could strike that “petrwolium.” It’s driving me nuts and I’d come up myself and dig it up if I wasn’t such a sloth. I literally can’t be more specific than “South Dakota” either; the entire state is just sitting on it. Seriously, SD, you have step it up. At the very least, put a well down on some tribal land or something! C’mon!
- Under every single petting zoo.
I’ve never really cared for petting zoos. Not into fur, in general. I like birds, oily ones…gun to my head I’d admit to being more of a “crow” guy. The thought of petting a wild animal is sort of gross, too. Not for me! Yet whenever my spirit visits a petting zoo (you’d be surprised, it’s a regular stop – I think it’s the crying infants that warms my heart), I get an unshakeable feeling that there’s a copious amount of unrefined fuel below the haybales and chicken wire. I’m not exaggerating when I say every one of them. I can’t be the only guy who has this feeling, right? It’s like this constant pang-ing in my head that is just nagging at me to raze the petting zoo and construct an extraction site. I got no sleep last night, thinking about how much beautiful oil is below all American petting zoos. The only question remains: what to do with the animals? Very simple. Take them to an animal sanctuary, and then check the sanctuary for oil while you’re there. Two birds one stone kinda deal.
Lastly, the Taj Ma-frigging-hall. Yep, the big, white, one in India. Crack that palace open and witness a gusher to shame all gushers. Get going, Modi!
Also, I’m holding a quarantine meetup soon in my very small house. Bring your friends! It’s gonna be a bit of a squeeze but I’m sure I can fit us all in. ♦
Nate Odenkirk likes Stank, but his food could be better. Artwork by @ninalikestopaint