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Krill: We Must Team Up To Kill Whale

By An Anonymous Krill | Guest Writer

We musn’t let this travesty happen again!

My fellow krill (krills?),

For millions of years, we have been hunted by the great whale. We’re not sure how, or why, but we do know the whale is out to get us. As far as we know, there could even be more than one whale out there, then we’d be really screwed. To say nothing of its size: that freakin’ whale is at least ten times bigger than any of us individually, if not more. Any single krill will have at best five percent chance of beating the whale. But we have two things whales will never have: pizzazz and teamwork. If we harness our strengths and get SMART, this whale won’t know what hit it.

Hear me out. The plan goes something like this:  

A single krill—the “Decoy Krill” (I call not it!)—will separate itself from the pack, to distract the whale. When it tries to chase after the lone krill, the rest of us will sneak up behind the whale and attack it with our tiny extremities. BOOM. Whale down, cue the balloons, break out the champagne. All the seahorses I know all said this plan was “A+.” I even have a crab friend who told me it was a fantastic idea.

Some small caveats. Between hatching this plan and now, five million of my co-conspirators were swallowed by the whale, and there were some real gems in there, like Ryan T. Yet this has only strengthened my resolve for vengeance! Even though we’re a smaller group now (only 30 billion), I still think we can do this with some teamwork.

Also, we need a good rallying cry. I appreciate the enthusiasm that some of you have already shown about this, but I’m gonna have to shoot down ANYTHING that uses the pun “kill/krill” in it. It’s not funny, and it’s been done.  But I’m open to hearing other slogans, and I do appreciate the alliteration.

“We’ll have a whale of a time killing the whale?…” I dunno, just spitballing. Make it catchy but not over the top.

Whale: Yeah That’s Fine

By The Whale | Guest Writer

Hey, it’s me. Look, I’m supposed to be on a diet now anyway. No more than 100,000 a day, I promised myself! That means no more mindless snacking. These krill have this plan every few years, and they always think that they’re gonna get me this time. To date, the whole “open my mouth” schtick seems to be a pretty effective counter-strategy.

Another day at the races

One gaping problem with their plan? It should be obvious to any reader. The whole “kill/krill” thing is brilliant. I have no idea what that krill has against it. If I was a krill, hoo boy, you better believe I’d use that all day every day. For them to completley throw that genius line away? They’ve already lost.

I do admit, their pizzazz is pretty impressive, especially for microscopic shrimps. They also know how to stay in a pack, which all things considered makes my job way easier. This whole plot is a little annoying, but I’m not gonna blow my… blowhole over this. I wish them the best of luck, and my condolences for the untimely passing of Ryan T. That one, I concede, was a complete boner on my part. He was a great, and delicious, krill. 

But if they key my car again, we’re gonna have a problem. ♦


Nate Odenkirk, Nathan Mostow, and Ari Mostow are not taking sides. Artwork by @ninalikestopaint

Thank you for reading!
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