By Tristan Odenkirk | Guest Writer
The White House ended its news briefing early on Saturday after the staff was able to sufficiently address every question of every reporter in attendance. After discussing the current state of COVID-19 cases in the US, quarantine laws and a few questions regarding the 2020 election, the room fell into a brief silence as reporters struggled to think of another inquiry for President Trump and his associates. “Well, I think that’s it…” said the President, “Mike? Do you have anything?” The Vice President, startled at the mention of his name, just gave the President a big thumbs up and mouthed “Great job sir!” Trump then declared, “I guess we can just call it right here, then, if everyone’s good.” At which point he was cut off by the sounds of collapsing tripods and camera bags zipping shut, indicating that the reporters had everything they needed.
I guess we can just call it right here, then, if everyone’s good.
“I just figured there wasn’t much more to talk about,” remarked one journalist. “I think we’ve got a good handle on things.”
This is the third time this month a White House address has ended about thirty minutes to an hour early. The recurrence of this scenario is said to be a result of having so few crucial topics to discuss at the present time. “It’s actually kind of sad,” a reporter from Politico stated. “At the last briefing they made us play ‘heads up seven up’ just to fill some time. I was really hoping the President would play it again, because I didn’t know how to play it the first time. Oh well…” he said, wistfully.
“It was awesome,” a member of the President’s staff recalled about the meeting, “we were all ready to get out of there. That’s not to say we weren’t thorough—as always, we answered all questions to the satisfaction of everyone in the room, but that took like five minnutes. After that, we thought it would be a fun idea to go around the room and say what everyone’s Summer plans were. But most people just wanted to head home, so we were like, ‘yeah that’s cool.’”
In anticipation of ending early, White House held a small reception following the press briefing that included a sandwich and lemonade bar. While only a few stayed for the reception, it was by all accounts the more productive part of the day. “It was nice to catch up with everyone,” said a journalist from the New York Times. “We never really talk amongst ourselves at these things. I guess everyone’s just in ‘news mode.’” Some attendants criticized the decision to have a sandwich bar at a public meeting during a pandemic, to which the President responded: “We have the absolute safest people making these sandwiches. I wish you could meet these people, but then they wouldn’t be safe anymore, you know. I trust these people, they’re so safe, and they’re the best, believe me.” Every reporter in the room nodded in agreement and satisfaction with his argument. Such are the times we live in. ♦