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Clean Drug Test Confirms Baseball Player Total Loser

By Nathan Mostow | Staff Writer

A league-wide drug test last week has confirmed that New York Mets infielder Jake Domingo is a total loser. Whereas all other players had at least something “fun” in their system, Domingo tested 100% negative for every drug, league officials announced.

“This guy’s in the prime of his life, the world is his oyster, and he’s never even tried cocaine?” said disgusted MLB commissioner Rob Manfred in a press conference. “What a loser. I don’t want the players doing PED’s, but these are strong, good-looking guys in their 20’s. Go to a concert; do some ecstasy or something. Live a little.”

Manfred ended the press conference by handing Domingo a 10-game suspension and 15-thousand dollar fine for being such a lame-o dork. “This is not the kind of message MLB wants to send,” Manfred explained. “Our players are cool dudes who know how to party, just like basketball and football players.”

In other sporting news, the Professional Golfers Association filed an official grievance against the NFL, asking the football players to stop giving the golfers “swirlies.” ♦

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