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April 14th to be Postponed to May 17th

By Billy O’Handley | Staff Writer

​In a press briefing conducted over Zoom this past Thursday, the organizers of April 14th announced that, due to concerns brought about by the spread of Covid-19, they would be forced to push back the beloved date all the way to May 17th at the earliest. The organizer’s statement read, “While we know the tradition of April 14th has fallen in either late March or early to mid April every year since World War II, these are strange times. We feel that for people to properly enjoy April 14th, it needs to take place later in the year.”

“I’ve done April 14th every year since I was a baby!”

This news, while not unexpected, sent shockwaves through the April 14th observing community. ​“I’ve done April 14th every year since I was a baby!” said avid “Teenther” Rick Davidson as he took down his April 14th decorations, including a set of handsome string lights and a less handsome candlestick holder. “Well, except for one year when I got super sick, so I had to go straight to April 17th. That was rough.”

The council made the decision on April 10th, which itself was rescheduled to June 9th.

The unprecedented nature of the change may also be an indication of the seriousness of Covid-19. According to historian Robert Dolezal, the last time April 14th was canceled or moved during peacetime was all the way back in 1876, after the great calendar fire of 1877, which was mistakenly renamed the great calendar fire of 1875. “The tradition of April 14th has a long history dating back to before even the Obama Presidency! Many, many years before that too. Maybe I should’ve picked something significantly longer ago than the Obama Presidency to properly illustrate my point. Taft? Yes, since Taft!”

And the change has proved a scheduling challenge for some Americans. “I had a flight to Denver on April 14th and was supposed to fly back to Chicago on the 21st,” said Jim Austin. “Does that mean I have to fly back from Denver before I fly away to Denver? I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. Maybe I can, I don’t know how planes work.”

The move is not only inconvenient to people’s schedules, but also people’s sense of metaphysical reality. One critic of the change, Jane Doofenshmirtz (no relation), angrily declared “That’s not how time works! It’s linear! You can’t just move a day somewhere else!”

In response to this change, the May 17th conglomerate decided to reschedule to June 2nd.  The conglomerate stated that “We know it’s a lot to expect people to live both May 17th and June 2nd in one day” but that people “are just going to have to suck it up.”

This change will be taking place everywhere but Alabama, which is still stuck on June 1882. ♦

Thank you for reading!
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