By Ari Mostow & James Crisafulli | Staff and Guest Writers
Subject: Please TP My House
Dear middle school students,
Haven’t you ever wanted to stick it to the man? Well, I’m the man! And what you should stick to me and the outside of my home is Charmin extra-soft double ply toilet paper. That’ll show me.
Now I know this is a strange request, given that I have often punished students in the past for throwing toilet paper all over my front lawn, but times have really changed and I am in fact BEGGING you to do this. I also may have eaten an unrefrigerated meatball hoagie for lunch today, so the clock is against me here.
For the past 15 years I have spent as principal of Burlington Middle School (go Lawnmowers!), my house has been TP’d every single weekend without fail. And now, when I finally WANT the students to do it, you’re too busy with “social isolation” or “taking care of your family.” Seriously? That is just rude and disrespectful.
If you do this, I’ll give you free cafeteria food once school starts back up. Pretty sweet, huh? I’ll write your book report for you, too. I wrote my thesis on James Joyce’s Ulysses, so I’m pretty sure I can handle Maze Runner. Hell, you can even have free rein to bully my seventh-grade son, Shawn! I’m talking wedgies, swirlies, waterboarding, you name it. Just please, for the love of god, throw some toilet paper on my house already!!!”
By the way, I will totally cover the cost of this. Send me your receipts for the TP and any of the other materials you used, and I can Venmo or whatever.
I also welcome students to prank call me at any hour, as I am feeling very lonely in quarantine and would love to chat.
Thanks a lot,
P.S. Go Lawnmowers! Also if someone could mow my lawn, I would appreciate it. ♦