By Nate Odenkirk, Ari Mostow, & Billy O’Handley | Staff Writers
In the midst of a severe national pandemic, Americans need a trusted and experienced name looking out for their best interests. Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, stepped up to the challenge yesterday as he called for immediately producing six more episodes of the hit Netflix docu-series, Tiger King.
“I do not say this lightly: we are in a crisis,” said Dr. Fauci at a press conference today. “And it’s going to take the patience and cooperation of every single citizen to make it through these challenging times. How can Tiger King just end like that? What happens to all the other animal traders? Why aren’t they in prison? And who killed Carole Baskin’s husband? The scientific community simply does not have answers to these questions.”
The entire government has been mobilized in a frantic effort to supply its citizens with emergency Tiger King episodes.
In his capacity as the nation’s top disease expert, Dr. Fauci is uniquely qualified to deliver the hard truths on viral television shows. “Even our rosiest projections show we may have to wait a year at least before these episodes can be manufactured and delivered,” he said, pointing to an unrelated graph. This is in stark contrast to President Trump’s assessment of the timescale, who mused earlier that they’ll probably have “dozens, dozens of episodes” by Easter. In the meantime, Dr. Fauci has imposed strict limits to try and contain the spread of Tiger King to at-risk binge watchers. Most notably, a “social distancing” order of six feet was set, to minimize the transmission of spoilers. Ventilators and respirators have been flying off the shelves, as anxious citizens plug them in and leave them running, so they drown out the conversation of nearby people talking about Joe Exotic’s run for governor.
The entire government has been mobilized in a frantic effort to supply its citizens with emergency Tiger King episodes. President Trump commuted the sentence of Joe Exotic, so he can “get back to his weird stuff.” The FBI’s Podcast Division reopened the cold case investigation into the mysterious death of Carole Baskin’s husband so as to create a Serial-esque twelve-part series (sponsored by Squarespace). Most state governors have imposed strict stay-at-home orders in a bid to stop people from visiting Doc Antle’s zoo, forcing him to hopefully shut down. Most importantly, the nation’s entire body of research scientists will be reassigned from whatever they were doing to try and get Carole and Joe Exotic in one room together, because that would scientifically be awesome.
The frenzy over Tiger King has sucked oxygen from other important stories. “To tell you the truth, I haven’t really focused on that COVEY stuff,” Dr. Fauci admitted. “Just wear a mask or whatever. It’s not that complicated. What is complicated is the love triangle between Joe Exotic and those two young guys, ol’ whats-his-face, the one tooth guy, and that surfer dude. That wedding was insane! And who killed Carole Baskin’s husband?” ♦