A Message of Solidarity From My Indoor Yacht

By Bob Odenkirk | Celebrated Wonderful Guy

These are difficult times.  Perhaps “difficult” isn’t even the word.  “Hapless”..? “Ill-starred”, or “jinxed”…yes, that’s it.   We live in “jinxed” times.  I think we can all agree on that.

Coronavirus is, to me, like a disease.  Hear me out.  Let me break that word down, “dis” referring to a “negative bearing” on our shared “ease”, or comfort.  I can tell you one thing, I don’t like it.

I want you to know you are not alone.

I may be famous from clapping and sitting attentively at awards shows, but I’m just like you in one important way – Coronavirus has put a “crimp” in my style.

My point is, I get it.  “I feel you.”

I am writing these words from the rock-climbing studio of my yacht, which is currently afloat (indoors) in my sea-chamber in the ocean annex at my summer cottage-manse in Mendocino.  “Everybody stays ONBOARD for the duration!” I told my family; my kids, my wife, and my pet goats (all thirty of them, all with advanced health issues that require 24 hour nursing and doctor care and life-support machines – including respirators – both goat-respirators and the human respirators that I collect just for my own amusement).  Too bad for them, I’m the captain of this indoor-ship, and what I say goes!

I’m proud to say we haven’t “raided the Costco” except for toilet paper and frozen goods and necessities (sanitizers, N94 masks, respirators for my collection, remember?)

What are you doing with your time?  Me, my problems seem to be multiplying as I just found that Mandrake (my yacht-tech) washed the deck of my indoor yacht with StarShip Brite-deck deck wash* and a power washer and a Deck-Soft brand Boat-Brush*, which would be great except he forgot to use the “No-Slip” higher-quality of deck wash, and since my deck is oiled, re-purposed, oak-plank from turn-of-the-century tenements (tons of character – even more tons of upkeep!), and since the indoor ocean that my yacht floats in has a wave machine (hold up, don’t envy me, I bought it USED from my pal M.B.S.), that deck is going to be slippy as f*k come “high-tide” (I  have the wave machine go “tidal” in sync with the actual tides of the Bahamian island where I have a p.o. box for my official residence – so, no taxes – just like you!)

So, help me here.  What kind of deck wash do you use?

So, help me here.  What kind of deck wash do you use?  How do you scold your yacht-tech when he makes a major snafu?  Does “the c-virus” count as an “excuse” for this kind of horror show situation I am currently in?

To you I say, would you be so kind as to say a prayer for my indoor-yacht staff, my family, and my impaired goats?  At the very least, would you say a special prayer for my respirators which I have collected for years (just because I like the design) and that suddenly everyone says I should not be allowed to keep even though they are all still shrink-wrapped, in triple-A, ultra-collectible, ultra-functioning, state.  I mean, you’re all keeping your private stash of respirators in your boat, too, right? ♦

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*Mr. Odenkirk was compensated for this product placement.