Biden Campaign Pledges to Turn Things Up to a Three

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Former Vice President Joe Biden looks more than likely to capture the Democratic nomination for president in this year’s upcoming election. On Monday, the Biden campaign tried to alleviate worry about a lack of enthusiasm for his candidacy by pledging to eventually turn things up to a “three.”

“With your help, we’re gonna put this baby in neutral!”

“This is a three out of ten, mind you,” said Jen Dillon, Biden’s campaign manager. “That’s huge for us.” The Biden campaign, indeed, Joe Biden himself, is far more at home in the 1 to 2 range. “If you think about it, going from a 2 to a 3 is a 50% improvement. I’m really thrilled about the potential that brings. Well, sort of thrilled,” said Dillon. “You’re gonna see a slightly less exhausted Joe in the next couple of weeks—so get excited, because he still won’t be. But less exhaustion!”

“With your help, and your enthusiasm, we’re gonna put this baby in neutral!” exclaimed Joe Biden at one of his four campaign events to date. His supporters, elated by the news, responded with a rousing golf clap, and scattered chants of “Joe! Joe! Joe!” that failed to gain steam. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” the vice president said with a half-smile before excusing himself to lie down for a few days.

These pencils will inject new energy this campaign needs!

When pressed for details, the Biden campaign pointed to efforts to buy and distribute pencils stamped with the “Biden 2020” logo. “These pencils will inject new energy this campaign needs!” a fundraising email from Biden’s campaign states. Another project in the works is to track down the artist who made the iconic “Change” poster for the 2008 Obama campaign, and see what he could do for Biden. “Unfortunately, no one wrote his name down, and our Etsy history doesn’t go back that far, but we’re still looking,” said a hopeful campaign aide. Biden will also consider doing more events, but that looks far less likely.

Press releases from the Biden camp were quick to clarify that the move was to a “broad range, of anywhere between a 2 and a 3” and did not set a concrete date for when the campaign would make that transition. Furthermore, the campaign swatted down suggestions that it may venture into the 4 or 5 range, and vehemently denied any plans to take things to a 6, ever.

Meanwhile, the Trump campaign has signaled its intentions to stay firmly at a 545,934. ♦