By Quentin Tarantino | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
Heya kids! Guess who? Me!
I’m top-notch director Quentin Tarantino, and I have the coronavirus because I refused to shut my New Beverly Theater. I stand by that decision, man, because I know that myself and other rational people would prefer to die watching cool films in 70mm, the way God/the directors intended, rather than watch boring movies at home on blu-ray.
The coronavirus is pretty gnarly, so that’s been cool, although it does hurt a lot. On the plus side, man, I have so much more time to watch my films, now that I am too weak to feed or clothe myself. As a cool Hollywood director, I thought I would recommend some activities to busy yourself with! Of course, you should only consult this list if you are somehow in a place where you cannot watch or re-watch great movies. Obviously, you would be doing that otherwise.
Activity #1: Make a movie! – I know what you’re thinking, man. You’re thinking, Quentin Tarantino is a world-renowned director with an unmatched filmography under his belt. And you’re spot on, bucko! But you’re also thinking, “Quentin, much like you, I have made a somewhat nonsensical promise to only make ten films in my lifetime. Why would I waste one of my shots on some stupid movie I make out of boredom?” Great question, kiddo. Here’s my little secret – if you don’t like the movie you’ve made, you can make another movie and add that footage afterward, so it technically counts as just one movie (even though it will be super long). My 3-hour-7-minute movie The Hateful Eight was actually supposed to be a 20-minute short, but I messed up the first eight tries, so I kept each of those in the final cut and called them “chapters.” That’s why the movie’s called Hateful Eight – because I hate the first eight “chapters.”
That’s why the movie’s called Hateful Eight – because I hate the first eight “chapters.”
Boy oh boy, I just wrote some really smart advice. My mind is moving at a million frames per second. Can The Inquirist do that thing they do with the text where they… it’s bigger… it’s… bolded! Yes. The rest of the article should be bolded. And underlined. None of that Italian shit, though, I can’t read slants. There we go, that looks perfect!
Activity #2: Take up beekeeping – this is a riot! Trust me when I tell you that these bees can STING. They hurt like a fucking motherfucker, but they’re 100% worth it, for one reason, and one reason only: their HONEY. They just make this shit, man! Seriously, if it wasn’t for my personal apiary, my honey bills would be through the roof! Every day I coat my Oscars in Grade A Quentin Taran-Bee-no (trademark pending) honey! That way, the Oscars can stay as shiny as the day I won them, because I made the best movie.
Activity #3: Stamp collecting – HA! Just kidding. You should have seen the look on your face! Don’t do any of that weird shit. Watch a movie. ♦
Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow wish that Quentin would focus on his health for a bit.