TERMS OF SETTLEMENT – THE PUZZLE ISSUE

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

DIVORCE CONTRACT

KATHLEEN ROBLEY filed for legal separation and divorce from MR. ANDREW ROBLEY on January 14th, 2020 with the Illinois Board of Marriages.

Nearly all terms of the divorce have thus far been settled without dispute. The couple agreed on shared custody of their two children and MR. ANDREW ROBLEY has agreed to move out, pending the mortgage transfer.

The State passes no judgement on the validity of the two parties affections towards puzzles, despite aspersions cast by each upon the other.  We proceed with the assumption that both parties qualify as, in their own words, “Puzzle Nuts”, or else they wouldn’t be doing this.

This will be a final judgement, and once agreed to, both parties will cease and desist from attempting to contact or in any way influence the auditor(s), showing up unannounced in the state representatives’ places of worship or homes or, specifically, porches at night to “just chat”.

State Auditors need to ratify the divorce settlement no later than two months after filing, thereby, the State of Illinois is compelled to resolve this logjam as it sees fit.

1. THE GLOBE PUZZLE: MR. ANDREW ROBLEY will be allowed to finish North America, which his affidavit notes “was all him,” MS. KATHLEEN ROBLEY will finish Europe and gain custody of Africa, the Indian Ocean, and Russia. Both parties recognize that, at this rate, “they’ll never get to Antarctica.”
2. THE 500 PIECE TRAIN PUZZLE IN THE LIVING ROOM: MR. ANDREW ROBLEY is to finish the caboose, should they end up finding where those pieces went. The State acknowledges it is possible the cat got to them.
3. THE PUPPY PUZZLE THAT’S ABOUT 70% OF THE WAY THROUGH (hereinafter ‘that goddamn puzzle’): MS. KATHLEEN ROBLEY is to finish the edges, while the rest of the goddamn puzzle will be up to MR. ANDREW ROBLEY.
4. THE ‘NO EDGES’ PUZZLE: Both parties will have to finish this one together, as they freely admitted they “cannot do that one alone.”
5. THE PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT PUZZLE: MR. ANDREW ROBLEY is to start work from the top of the pyramid, and MS. KATHLEEN ROBLEY is to start at the bottom of the sphinx. They will retain joint custody of the sarcophagus.
6. THE BIG BOOK OF CROSSWORDS: MS. KATHLEEN ROBLEY will get to do the “across,” and MR. ANDREW ROBLEY will get to do “down” answers.
7. The State should not, cannot, and will not, “help finish” or “help start” any puzzle, despite pleas from the ROBLEY family. That would violate the State’s neutrality, and, in the words of one Auditor, “bore” the State.

Ownership of the remaining, opened and unopened, puzzles, will be determined by whoever has the tablespace, and if the cat keeps walking on them. ♦