Europeans Awaiting Comprehensive Plan Gov’t Surely Must’ve Been Prepping Since Black Death

By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

BRUSSELS— Europeans across the continent are unphased by the rapid spread of the Coronavirus, convinced that their governments have an intricate and thought out plan for this sort of thing by now. “They’ve had since the Black Death in 1350 to be ready for this, so I’m excited to hear the plan,” said Markus Lawrence, a coffee cup salesman from Brussels. “It’s been almost 700 years, and I’m sure the government has prepared by now. Why wouldn’t they be? What else would they have been doing all these years?”

I’m sure they’re getting ready to unveil it, it should be any day now!

Despite the lack of a cohesive response to date, many in the European Union still have faith that this is, and must be, part of a grand plan. “I can’t wait to see the incredibly detailed and cogent plan of action that has surely been developed over centuries!” exclaimed Ann Lisch, a schoolteacher from Amsterdam. “I’m sure they’re getting ready to unveil it, it should be any day now! It’ll be fascinating to see centuries of governments and scientific advancements inevitably culminating in a course of action for the Coronavirus.” Many have expressed inevitable excitement over seeing their governments come together and defeat a virus that has threatened to upend the way of life.

“It’s sort of just like the Black Death, in how fast it’s spreading,” noted Hans Wilhelm, a tradesman from Nice, France. “The big difference between then and now is that we’re 100% ready for it this time, because we collectively learned the consequences of not preparing. It will not happen again! Right?”

When asked to reveal the grand 700 years in the making masterplan at a European Union press conference, the various governments have all reacted differently. The German ambassador promptly excused himself to use the bathroom and has not come out since. The French chargé d’affaires said they had the plan but left it at home and will bring it first thing next meeting. The Italian representatives said they absolutely had the plan on the Google Drive but their “internet wasn’t working.” The Scandinavian countries all said they totally do have a plan, but none of them showed up, fearing that they might contract the Coronavirus. ♦