By Don Chico | GUEST WRITER
Don Chico is the head of the Chico-Luchezzi crime family.
I hope you all enjoyed my daughter Annabelle’s beautiful wedding last night. It is marvelous to see my little girl married off to such a strong, loyal paisan. At the reception afterwards, a distant family member asked the favor that I be more environmentally conscious in my legitimate business of waste management, gambling, and bookkeeping. As it was her wedding day, I had no choice but to accept. To that effect, the following practices will be implemented:
First, it is my pledge that we will no longer throw… ahem… “bags of waste” in streams with protected wildlife designation. They will, in effect, be sleeping with the responsibly sourced fishes. The cement blocks we use will now be “upcycled” bricks rather than brand new weights.
Second, the singular bulb that illuminates the backroom of Vito’s Meats will be an LED light. That goddamn bulb keeps buzzing anyway, I hate that. Got it, Vito? Capiche?
Third, in order to “send a message” to a disrespectful rival, we will no longer kill one of their subordinates. Instead, we will plant a tree outside their house, and wait for it to grow until they understand not to mess with a Chico.
Fourth, Nonna will make her stroganoff with Impossible meat.
Fifth, we’re going to replace our Mercedes-Benz and Range Rovers with Priuses. I know, I know, but come on, those things are gas guzzlers anyway. We’ll carpool too. I’m looking into getting bumper stickers that say “MOB” on them to make it seem more official.
That’s the gist of the changes. My only daughter’s never getting married again!
Oh, and we’ll be putting out recycling bins at the strip club. ♦
Nate Odenkirk also hates that goddamn bulb and is happy something is finally being done about it.