Pope to God: “Please Let Me Take Off the Hat”

By Pope Francis | GUEST WRITER

Each week Pope Francis writes prayers onto parchment and shoves them into a crack in the grotto wall where St. Courier, the patron saint of missives, died at the stake.  When one of those prayers is dislodged by wind, well…now everybody gets to read it…

Dear The Lord,

We thank you for your innumerable blessings you have bestowed on humanity. The capacity for kindness, forgiveness, and reconciliation compel us to live a life in your image.

But, surely, that image of you doesn’t contain the hat. Right?

I’m sorry, Heavenly Father, but I’m getting really sick of this hat. I have to keep it on when I go to bed, when I’m in the shower, and even when I get a haircut? That’s too much. No wonder the other guy quit. Being a pope is pretty easy, and I’m having a great time with my off-the-cuff weekly sermons and the onsite laundry. I want to keep all of that.

I suppose I just don’t understand what I, or you for that matter, gain from me wearing the hat. It’s cool if you want me to wear it for ceremonies and holidays, formal wear and all that jazz. But I’m worried people only notice the hat and forget about the human! Once they see the hat, that’s all they care about.

How about a compromise.  A fedora or something?

How about a compromise.  A fedora or something?  This one looks so weird! No one else EVER wears a hat even remotely like mine. Most if not all of my dialogue with world leaders is, in fact, about the hat. They have so many questions, and they’re all the same and I’m SICK of explaining the arrangement, which, again, I was not privy to before being poped in the first place!

Whenever I try to take off the hat, I get a burning sensation in my eyes and a killer headache, so I know it’s you!  I know it!  Please, my Lord, stop! I know Jesus had to wear a crown of thorns, so maybe my hat is meant to be some sort of crude punishment allegory thing, but at least Jesus only had to wear the crown for a little bit, rather than his whole life.

I’m more than happy to pray the end to mankind’s suffering on earth and such and such. But, can we start with my suffering first for once? I’m only asking for one hat-free day. One!

Also, some of the guys wanted me to ask if you’ll let them loosen the collars a bit. It’s cutting off their circulation.

Love,

F

Pope Francis is one of only two popes left in existence. He lives on a reservation in Italy. ♦


Nate Odenkirk bases his religious beliefs on hat types. Nathan Mostow does, too, but uses a different scale.