Following Rape Conviction, Weinstein Career Options Narrowed to “Republican Politician”

By Nathan Mostow | STAFF WRITER

After a Manhattan jury handed down a third-degree rape conviction this morning, former movie producer Harvey Weinstein’s career options have reportedly been narrowed down to “Republican politician.”

Weinstein explained that after the verdict, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell approached him with a pamphlet entitled, “When You’re a Star, They Let You Do It:” Your Republican Community of Selectively Ignorant Supporters, and invited him to immediately run for Congress, “while the iron is still hot.”

“Unfortunately, the only place that accepts people like me these days is the Republican Party.”

“I really don’t want to have to work with Mitch [McConnell]. He’s super creepy,” lamented a dejected Weinstein. “Unfortunately, the only place that accepts people like me these days is the Republican Party. I was hoping to at least land a job at Fox News, but they said I look too ‘Jewey.’”

Weinstein is allegedly a favorite to replace Vice President Pence as Trump’s 2020 running mate if Pence fails to meet the “sexual harassment of interns” quota mandatory for senior GOP officials. According to sources inside the White House, the president has already told Pence to “shut up with the Jesus bullshit and start touching these kids before all the hot ones quit.” ♦