He Cannot Climb the Rope

By Dr. Fredrick Pance | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

Dear Physical Education Department:

I am Dr. Fredrick Pance, resident MD at Mercy Hospital. My patient, Bobby Tangus, is a seventh grader at Holfield Middle School (go Rabbits!). After undergoing a rigorous series of tests, and lots of consideration, it is my professional conclusion that Bobby must be excused from all future Phys. Ed. blocks, as he suffers from a very complex medical disorder called “Not Wanting To” that severely and incurably limits his capacity as an athlete and human being.

This diagnosis applies to all PE exercises, but especially “that freaking rope.” Seriously, he will not shut up about that rope. He has come to my office nearly half a dozen times now, crying and demanding that I “get him out of this.” As a healthcare professional, I know exercise is important, but this kid just isn’t worth it. Give him what he wants so we—you, me, the students—can go on with our lives. Bobby will likely never recover from this annoying disease until at least late in high school when he finds out the world doesn’t revolve around his problems and if he just climbed the goddamn rope he’d know that it wasn’t such a big deal.

At some point, we have to leave it up to his shitty parents to fix.

I condone you for your steadfastness in this manner. If it was me that was the head of the department, I would have gone on sabbatical until Bobby graduates. At some point, we have to leave it up to his shitty parents to fix. In medical school, we’re taught that sometimes the crying baby should get the candy so that everyone in the store stops looking at you. This principle applies here.

So, no, he cannot climb the rope. That said, I do not want him to take this as a “win.” I suggest announcing over the P.A. that Mr. Tangus has been excused from P.E. due to a “bladder control issue,” so the other kids can do our work for us. Alternatively, you can call his parents in and tell them that their son’s flatulence issues have become a disruption in the class and he’ll need to withdraw for the time being. In fact, that medical note is directly attatched to this one. I’m just saying it would be pretty funny.

I should have sent this last month. I was at the end of my rope about this weeks ago. However, I also suffer from a crippling case of “Not Wanting To.”

Yours in good health,

Dr. Fredrick Pance ♦


Nate Odenkirk and Nathan Mostow can hold on to, but not climb, rope.