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Exclusive: The Back of The Constitution

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer


The Inquirist has stolen the back (just the back) of the U.S. Constitution. Never before seen, this national secret is now released to the public. It reads:

Alright, great meeting everybody. I think after going through a vomit draft on the back we’re ready for the full thing. Here it is, once and for all:

First, no hitting. Got it, Jefferson? I’m serious.

Second, NO SLAVERY. DON’T DO IT. PERIOD… Whew, okay, we can finally put that issue to bed for good.

Third, no “weird” presidents. You know what I mean.

Fourth, the Supreme Court is to consist of no more than nine grandparents, each cranky for different reasons.

Fifth, one person = one vote, and one vote = not a lot.

Sixth, guns are fine, as long as there are still other things going on in their lives.  

Lastly, no more quills! They’re gross. Everybody should just use pens. We have pens!

Open to changes. Anything better comes along we’ll go for it; this is totally no pressure. One note: someone decided to give the finger during the sitting for the painting in Independence hall. We have to redo it now. Jefferson, please start taking this thing more seriously.

Also, someone needs to remind me to repair that damn bell ASAP. I keep forgetting. 


The rest of the document is obscured by crossed out misspellings of “enumerated” and “constitution,” and John Hancock practicing his signature. ♦

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