Coronavirus: What You Need to Know

By Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow | STAFF WRITERS

What is Coronavirus?

Epidemics are best left undefined for maximum suspense.

 

Who has been affected?

11 million Chinese citizens have been quarantined, and it has been a real source of inspiration for CNN graphics editors.

 

How do I know if I have Coronavirus?

Really no way to tell, just keep watching the news.

 

Should I adjust my travel plans?

You may want to postpone your visit to the Hubei Provincial Hopsital.

 

What should you do if you get Coronavirus?

Call 9-1-1 and report yourself to the CDC immediately—unless you are a student at a school with a strict attendance policy, in which case you should go to class.

 

At what point does it officially become an “epidemic?”

When your aunt finds out about it.

 

Is there any upside to the disease?

Gives China a great opportunity to test out some cool new citizen surveillance infrastructure.

 

When will this become the subject of a Netflix short docu-series?

Click “refresh.”

 

Risk level of people making “Corona w/lime” jokes:

Very high. CDC recommends wearing facemasks and avoiding contact with unfunny people. ♦