The Tutankhamun Scrolls

By Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow | STAFF WRITERS

On a recent expedition/staff picnic, The Inquirist discovered a series of previously unknown scrolls, detailing correspondences between an ill King Tutankhamun and a royal priest about his upcoming burial.

Thanks to Rosetta Stone (the computer program) we were able to decipher most of the messages, which are shown here:


DEAR KING—

The royal doctor has advised the court that your health is not improving following the accident at the grain silos last week. We continue to pray to the heavens for your return to good health.

… But let’s be real here: we should really talk about what you want to bring with you into the afterlife, if you catch my drift. What do you want? Goat sacrifices, mourning periods, sculptures, you name it.

Also, thank you for bringing the rain last week. Can you do that again?

MAY GOD BE WITH YOU, 

Raven

Royal Priest, First Order


 Raven—

Thank you for the note. Yes, I suppose it is time we figure this all out.

I just want something simple for my burial. No big ceremony (expensive), no massive pyramid (scam central), and definitely DON’T kill the firstborn (too much). Maybe a burial room instead? I do happen to like the hand-painted bird wallpaper, so some of that would be nice. We can also sublet the palace. I’ll get right on the permit for that.

—Tut

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”


DEAR KING—

Thanks for your quick response—may want to hold up on that permit thing. There’s some stuff in motion already. Need time to check up on that. Will write back ASAP. Don’t do anything.

MAY GOD BE WITH YOU,

Raven

Royal Priest, First Order


Raven—

Sure, no rush. While we’re at it, I did some brainstorming the other day and I think I have some budget-friendly alternatives to the typical fancy-shmansy ordeal:

  • Instead of the pricey mummification procedure, we can get toilet paper wholesale for just three bronze coins. Huge savings, and we don’t have to deal with those weird surgeons. 
  • No need to honor every single god. Last I checked, we were up to 2,000 and I don’t see the merit in a whole monument for “the god of seagulls” or whoever will come out of the woodwork for this. God of the sun, god of the harvest, bada bing bada boom. 
  • I don’t need to be buried with a ton of jewelry, but maybe if you could throw in a spare pair of underwear that would be helpful to me. I know I could just buy that stuff with the jewelry that I get buried with, but I don’t want to pay afterlife prices — even if it is duty free. I would also appreciate a toothbrush, deodorant, and hair comb if possible… just want to get all that out of the way. I really want to pack carefully because I imagine it will be difficult to go back if I forget something. Also, what’s the policy on liquids?

If you could please confer with relevant deities to ask what brands of mint gum they have in the afterlife, that would be “muy fantastico.” Thanks. Not sure how useful this is to you, but I’m imagining I’d look something like this:

me

But above all, no gold masks. Of any kind. You got it?

—Tut

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

PS: Sure, I’ll summon some more rain. Just give me 2 months.


 DEAR KING—

Are you sure you don’t want a huge pyramid? Some of us were under the impression that you wanted it, like all the other kings before you…

I mean, we could cancel it, but the project is mostly finished. LOTS of kings are super tentative about the pyramid at first, but it always ends up being the most talked-about feature around the kingdom. And there’s nothing “scheme-y” about your pyramid. We worked with a reputable pyramid contractor and they assured us it’s nearly done. They said they could get one “[two miles] high” which sounds impressive. I haven’t had the opportunity to go look myself but will do so ASAP. 

As for the mask. It turned out GREAT. Trust me. In fact, come by sometime and you can even try it on yourself. It’s a very “you” look. I promise, it’s fitted perfectly to the measurements of your head. You’ll look like a real star in that coffin, which is what I know you want. Plus, this is museum-level stuff here, I’m talking permanent collection or higher for sure. 

MAY GOD BE WITH YOU,

Raven

Royal Priest, First Order


 Raven— 

I NEVER approved EITHER! This is going to be so gaudy. What’s this gonna cost me? The mask alone is probably twenty gold pieces, and the goddamn pyramid will blow our budget out of the water! I think we got scammed on the pyramid thing, too. If it was really [two miles] high we would have seen it by now.

I want whoever approved this DEMOTED. Lucky for them we’re not in planting season or I’d place a thousand curses on their harvest!!

I am literally days away from dying and I have to worry now about this bullshit. FIX THIS.

By the way, why do people keep putting my burial in terms of museum standards? Is there something I don’t know? People go to museums to look at old artifacts, this is brand new stuff here. Plus, it’s just really weird.

—Tut

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”


DEAR KING—

I am so, so sorry for all of this mess. You have to understand we’re just trying to make this death as great as it can be for you. I can’t get hold of the pyramid guys, not sure what’s up with that. In hindsight, I totally realize that using the tens of thousands of slaves would have been far, far more cost-effective. TOTAL brain freeze. My b.

We’ll get right on pyramid thing re: slaves ASAP.

Forgive me my lord, but there’s more bad news. The mask guys just said they don’t give refunds for custom pieces so we’re stuck with it… now that I’m thinking about it, the mask guys sounded a whole lot like the pyramid guys. They may have just been wearing masks. Either way, we’re way over budget with this and I don’t think it’s productive to point fingers.

On the bright side, they do have your kind of mint gum in the afterlife, and we just packed your spare underwear. You win some, you lose some.

—Raven

Priest, Third Order ♦