By Nate Odenkirk & Duncan Miller | Staff and Guest Writers
December 31st, 65 million years ago: The ball drop this year, which features a comet, triggers a great extinction event wiping out 95% of Earth’s species. Still considered one of the most controversial (and fun) NYE celebrations.
January 1st, 0 AD: Y0K breaks all computers. They will not be reinvented for another 2,000 years.
December 31st, 1000 AD: The Magna Carta establishes the right of all landowning men to stay up past their bedtimes to midnight on NYE among other, more trivial rights.
December 31st, 1492 AD: Christopher Columbus really “drops the ball” by introducing diseases that will kill up to 90% of the Indian population.
December 31st, 1778: James Madison drunkenly pens the Bill of Rights on a napkin as a new year’s resolution list for himself. 3/4ths of state governments also think it’s a great resolution list and ratify it. Article 13 (lose weight) does not, however, gain traction.
January 1st, 1920: Millions of Americans wake up with a mysterious stomach illness that causes mild vomiting and nausea, along with a “killer” headache for 24-36 hours; disease is cured miraculously in 1932 after prohibition repealed.
December 31st, 1966: Due to safety concerns, the ball is no longer dropped haphazardly and uncontrolled in a random borough of New York City. It is now tethered to a pole at a singular location. Deaths from the ball plummet from 300 to zero.
December 31st, 1999: You just had to be there, man.
December 31st, 2019: Nation hopes next year will be different, this time. ♦