Ted Cruz Bummed He Not Sole Impeachment Arbiter

By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

With the House of Representatives’ impeachment vote, all eyes are on the Senate for the upcoming trial of the 45th President and television character Donald Trump. Senators from both parties are now hurriedly negotiating how the trial process will be played out. Texas Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was the first to offer up a version of the trial, wherein he is the sole participant, acting as the jury, counsel, and judge of the entire proceeding. While much uncertainty remains, this option has been definitively taken off the table to his great chagrin. “I really really really wanted to do this MYSELF” said Senator Cruz through tears. “And you guys are being super unfair. You know I love politics! Just let me do it—you’ll all mess it up! You PROMISED!” as he ran from the Senate chamber crying.

Senator Cruz has apparently had this plan in mind long before impeachment proceedings began. “When Ted got to the Senate in 2013, he made us all agree to let him do ‘everything’ if an impeachment trial ever happened. We all said yes because he was holding the gavel, and that’s everyone’s favorite toy” said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL). “It’s my second favorite toy,” he clarified. His plan would also likely be unconstitutional. “Senator Cruz thinks that it’s all made up on the spot, and that anyone can do anything in the Senate,” remarked J. Lawrence Klyman, associate professor of law at Duke University. “While he’s normally right, impeachment is one of those times where it clearly states the chief justice of the Supreme Court must preside over the tribunal. Just coming to the trial wearing judge’s robes wasn’t enough, our Founding Fathers believed. I myself disagree, but the law’s the law.”

Ted thinks they’re ganging up on him personally

“Ted thinks they’re ganging up on him personally,” said Mitch McConnell, a janitor in Senate building. “He’s had a rough time here… no Senator came to Ted’s birthday bash at Shakey’s, and that really got to him. Now if you’ll excuse me, someone spilled a bag of chips all over the Senate hallway, and people are stepping on the chips.” Scholars have floated the idea of making Senator Cruz think that he’s the one in charge and just going ahead with the trial normally. That may be hard though, as Senators can have the gavel for just ten minutes before they have to let someone else use it.

At press time, Senator Cruz has locked himself into a bathroom stall and refuses to come out. Senators from both parties have agreed to withhold the gavel until “he grows up and stops acting like a president.”

Correction: Mitch McConnell is the Senate Majority Leader (R-KY) and not, as was initially understood by our editorial staff, a janitor. The quote was accurate, however. ♦