Trump Goes Out to Buy Cigarettes, Promises Nation He’ll “Be Right Back”

By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

WASHINGTON, D.C.— On the eve of an assured impeachment vote, President of the United States and television character Donald Trump announced his intention to go buy “a pack of smokes” from a liquor store “just around the corner” from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “I’ll be right back. You won’t even know I’ve left,” he promised as he reached for his coat and knapsack. “I just want a pack of smokes. There’s no need for any of you to come with.” The president then kissed his son Barron on the head after giving him a letter titled “For My Son” inside a signed copy of Art of the Deal and waved at Melania before exiting.

At Trump’s request, he was unaccompanied by his Secret Service detail. “My boys know when it’s time,” special agent Ken Fristborn remarked, a solitary teardrop running down his face. “He’s on his own, now.”

At press time, the president looked back wistfully before turning around, disappearing into the night. ♦