By Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow | STAFF WRITERS
BEND, OR. — The nation’s attention was briefly drawn to the forests of rural Oregon this weekend after a new discovery that could potentially shed light on the whereabouts of the elusive Sasquatch (informally, “Bigfoot”) monster. Scientists at Oregon Online University (go Nets) made the announcement that a photo ID allegedly belonging to the storied beast was found in the Willamette National Forest on Sunday. “A group of hikers were, well, hiking in the area when they located the ID face up by a trailhead parking lot,” said lead mythological beast researcher Kelp P. Vims at a press conference outside an active job site this morning. “It’s a typical Oregon state ID card, listing his name, height, address, and other identifying details.
The ID lists the name as belonging to a Greg Walsh of 55 W. Foster St. in Portland. His photo appears to in fact be of a normal looking middle-aged white man. “It is our conclusion that Sasquatch has assimilated into human society, moonlighting as this ‘Greg’ figure,” Vims yelled over the construction noise. “He may even have a normal job, with friends and neighbors who have no idea that their colleague is in fact the mythical beast of the Pacific Northwest.” Vims claims that auxiliary research done by his team backs up these assertions, having conducted a highly technical Facebook search and finding an account that exactly fit the profile of the ID.
“We typed ‘Greg Walsh’ into Facebook, and that came up with too many results, so we added ‘Oregon,’ and we got a match. It wasn’t easy, but we didn’t give up for the entire five minutes of our research.” Vims notes the “Walsh” profile describes himself as an accountant at a local tax firm who goes on camping trips frequently. “That’s exactly what you would expect Sasquatch to do for a living,” said Vims right before a cement mixer turned on.
“The hunt is far from over, however. We encourage everyone to use the hashtag #FindSasquatch to keep updated with our findings. Also, sorry about the noise” he wrote in a follow up email.
Vims’ claim is being met with high degrees of doubt from the esteemed community of researchers and unemployed men dedicated to finding Sasquatch. “Bullshit!” exclaimed Pete Deeberson, car owner and volunteer stagehand at the Portland Community Theatre. Deeberson has been the leading voice of dissent regarding the alleged ID on his free daily e-newsletter, “Sasquatch Bulletin.” “Have you seen the photo? It looks nothing like Sasquatch,” Deeberson stated. “It’s clearly a fake ID Sasquatch uses to buy alcohol and get into bars. This is no more than a red herring that distracts from the search for Sasquatch’s real ID, which is still out there somewhere. Along with Sasquatch, probably.”
The hashtag #FindSasquatch is a joke.
Other aspects of this discovery have also come under fire. “I think this whole thing is wrong. None of it makes sense,” noted Ben Proost, prolific Youtuber and personality in the Sasquatch collective. “The hashtag #FindSasquatch is a joke. You think people are really gonna take this seriously? #SasquatchScandal is a FAR better hashtag if you ask me. It’s got alliteration, it’s got scandal, what else do you need? #FindSasquatch is obvious—of course we’re trying to find Sasquatch.” When asked about the evidence itself, Proost was far more charitable. “Yeah, the ID is probably legit. I don’t really have an opinion on that aspect of the story, to be honest.”
Their tireless work continues. Vims dispatched a team to 55 W. Foster St. in an effort to confirm the residency but came back with mixed results. “It didn’t look like anyone was in the home, but they forgot to knock. We’ll send out another team as soon as we get the snacks we need for the drive to Portland,” he conceded. ♦
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