By Sarah Stuffins | GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
Dear Seafood World Seafood Buffet X-Press,
My name is Sarah Stuffins, and I was a patron at your Seafood World Seafood Buffet ‘X-Press’ location in Terminal 3 of the Miami-Dade International Airport last week. You may remember me as the customer who kept asking for spoons, as I frequently drop silverware due to my poor grip. It is an undiagnosed condition that I have had since birth and live with daily.
While your silverware could use a fresh paper sanding, I write today to express my deep disappointment about something else: your buffet selection. At the time of my visit, the only dish offered at your so-called “buffet” was the grilled shrimp. Now, I like shrimp as much as anyone, but I am hardly alone when I say shrimp alone is not nearly sufficient to qualify as a comprehensive “seafood buffet.” At that point, you are just a restaurant with a lot of shrimp on a table. The shrimp itself was very good, but science has proven no woman can sustain herself on a diet of shrimp (just trust me on this). It was also very hard to eat the shrimp with a spoon, but that is beside the point. I was so angry at the limited selection that I locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out, missing my flight.
At that point, you are just a restaurant with a lot of shrimp on a table.
The words “seafood buffet” suggest the promise of 24/7 unlimited access to a behemoth of delicious seafood morsels. I understand that I arrived ten minutes before closing time, and I get that this was your “X-Press” location where you operate under less than ideal settings. Yet those facts should push you above and beyond to provide the weary traveler loitering at Gate 2B an oasis of quality seafood treasures—gumbo, fish sticks, cod hash, etc. To be clear, I was very impressed at the sheer volume of shrimp you had on offering. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much shrimp in one place, besides maybe the ocean. You also had a lot of spoons, which I appreciated.
If you choose to go down this path of shrimp-exclusivity, I suggest changing your name that more accurately reflects your menu. Shrimp Table 2-Go, Miami Shrimp Grill, Airport Shrimp, Just Shrimp and Miami-Dade Int’l Shrimp-port are a few excellent names I’ve come up with, though you’re more than welcome to use your own. At the very least, it’s redundant to say “Seafood World Seafood Buffet,” as if to clarify what kind of buffet is offered in this imaginary “seafood world.” If this seafood world does in fact exist, I would greatly appreciate your advice on how one could travel there, preferably through the Miami-Dade Airport?
All the best,
Sarah Stuffins, Chief Justice of the Florida Supreme Court ♦
Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow missed their flight for a very similar reason.