By Sir Keenan Odenkirk | Guest Writer
There is no greater joy in the world than your morning commute.
A river of total strangers, nuzzled in their cars, coexisting on their way to fulfilling jobs. Bicyclists wave at you, a polite distance from your car. A magic traffic fairy hands you a complimentary danish. Just another Monday, am I right?
Oh look! It’s time to switch lanes! You signal, your fellow man gives you a wiiiiiiide berth, and you seamlessly transition. All is well. The end.
Poppycock.
There is no smooth way to switch lanes during rush hour traffic, you dunce. Honk your horn, flash your lights, lift your middle finger high in protest. But unless you’re in the pope-mobile (or happen to be the pope, but riding in a normal car), good-bloody-luck slipping in.
So let’s talk about this: why is changing highway lanes such a contest? Perhaps the traffic system itself is broken? People are selfish? Vindictive, maybe? I’m ugly? I’m too ugly to drive? People don’t like me because I’m ugly? No, no no no, damn it. It is all has to do with respect.
They don’t respect you because you are driving a mere car.
But what if you were driving more than a car? What if you were driving the modern chariot of the gods?
What if you were driving… a Prius?
You’d be the talk of the town. The bee’s knees. All the prestige of a three-term state senator. You can’t buy one, that’s for certain. They wouldn’t let you in the door. So how can one go about disguising their car to look like a Prius? Finally, I have an answer for the ages! Read on!
To start: Buy several hundred pounds of white modelling chocolate.
Just pile that up on your rear window to get the signature Prius hump. You will need to reapply this every morning. The heat from jealous stares will melt it right off the car, blowing your cover.
Detail the hump with thin strips of fondant and food coloring (reference episodes of TLC’s Cake Boss for inspiration). Use the framed photo of a Prius you keep next to your bed as a guideline.
Then, simply stretch a single layer of saran wrap over it to give the chocolate that prius sheen, like a salmon filet in a ziploc bag. Seal lightly with a blow dryer on its lowest setting.
Employ the same method on the hood to get the smooth curvature of an eagle’s beak slicing across the American road. For the evening commute, simply splorp two maglites into where your headlights once were.
A final tip – season the vehicle with a full can of industrial bear mace. This should ward off birds, bugs, and generally any animals foraging for free modelling chocolate. If you go this direction, avoid all open flames. I buy my bear mace in bulk. It does not save me money, but it is convenient considering how many cans I go through.
I buy my bear mace in bulk. It does not save me money, but it is convenient considering how many cans I go through.
As for the car interior, it requires nothing but a driver oozing with confidence.The sort of confidence required to drive without front or rear view vision.
Fuzzy mirror dice will create a similar effect.
Now, watch as lesser motorists swerve to avoid your new vision of a vehicle, out of respect. Or fear of a head on collision. Or both. ♦
Sir Keenan Odenkirk is a recent graduate of the Mesa Online Driving School, where he double majored in Horse/Buggy Studies and Practical Unicycling. He received his driver’s license while studying abroad in London. He still drives on the opposite side of the road sometimes, for the nostalgia. He is also a third-term state senator.