Timeline: History of Amazon.com

By Nate Odenkirk | STAFF WRITER

20,000 BC: Amazon.com founded by Luurg, a Neanderthal who promised one-day delivery of most bone flutes, beads, and portable USB chargers.

15,000 BC: Kindle eReader released; initial sales poor due to no written language existing.

1492: Christopher Columbus sails to the New World to deliver a tub of jelly beans, 500 paper cups, and syphilis.

1912: Amazon fails to deliver a dozen lifeboats to the RMS Titanic before its voyage. Amazon offers survivors two free months of Prime, which they gladly accept.

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The Amazon.com logo, in use since 1855

1964: Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have a Dream speech kills Amazon’s upcoming I Have a Deal promotion.

2019: In response to mass protests, Amazon agrees to pay a living wage to Jeff Bezos.

2021: Amazon gets delivery time down to just five minutes after hiding common household goods strategically around your lawn.

2030: Amazon.com sues the Amazon rainforest for copyright infringement; wins. Gets whatever is left of it.

2050: Amazon ends mail-order catalogue service.

2075: Prime Day Wars break out between Alexa, Google, and Siri. No deaths are reported, but they’re no longer speaking to each other. ♦